Dear Woody Allen…

Dear Woody,

This morning I bought a typewriter (one of the old fashioned ones that jam together every sentence or so). There was little notable about this typewriter (other than an etching of a unicorn on the underside), or so I first thought as when clearing out a paper jam sustained while typing up my goals for the year (1.Eat more jelly and 2.Buy less wicker) I found a scrap of scrunchled paper. On this paper, and this is the bit I think you’ll like Woody, were the words ‘the dog and’. Do you think you could do anything with this? If so – and let’s face it, it’s obvious you can – I would only ask for 10% of the royalties and the credit ‘Based on a piece of paper found by H. Rumbelow’.

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

Dear Tulisa Contostavlos…

Dear Tulisa,

Do you love Dick? Van Dyke I mean of course, not Francis (his prose does not sit well to my ear). I am a huge fan of Mr VD’s work and, along with my friend George, am preparing a series of stained glass windows bearing his likeness. These range from him as a foetus surrounded by a choir of children to a black and white depiction of DvD diagnosing a murder (a French businessman seemingly strangled by a lover during a game of chess).

I am looking for pre-orders for these windows, and would like to offer you the chance to have one installed in your home, office or car. If you are interested, please let me know and I can send a series of initial mock-ups created using old pairs of 3D glasses.

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

Dear Lloyd Grossman

Dear Lloyd,

Where have you gone? I’ve still got your toaster (but not the plug flex)

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

Dear Daniel Radcliffe…

Dear Daniel (nee Harry),

I have never read a Harry Potter book, or seen a Harry Potter film, nor browsed a Harry Potter website or bought a Harry Potter wig. However, I have (and I would underline this if I knew how) recently come into possession of a Harry Potter branded ocarina. It would be most helpful if you could come and rid me of it as soon as possible. It tastes of mouldy kumquats when blown.

I will have cake waiting (Jam Rowling-Poly).

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

Dear Gavin Henson…

Dear Gavin,

I am currently penning some additional books for the New Testament (of The Bible) and have hit a small bump in the road (to Damascus). Which would have been Jesus’ local airport? I am reaching out to you as I believe you may have some experience in this area (my friend George swears he read somewhere that you are the man qualified both to fly a plane and take mass) and hope you have the answers. If not, I will more than likely have to resort to rewriting.

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It is difficult to determine. Nobody has yet formed a meaningful connection with a chicken such that intelligent communication may be undertaken. Even if any conversation with a chicken were to take place, their primitive cognitive facility would mean it unlikely that their actions had any reasoned basis.

Dear Lionel Messi…

Dear Lionel Messi,

Do you own a set of maracas? I own a set of maracas (in fact I own nine) and while I shake away over a morning brunch (muffins, toasted) I often wonder what is inside. Do you? Along with my friend George (who insists on spelling it ‘marrakers’) we have made a shortlist of the most likely contents:

1. Hardened gummi-bears
2. Frozen peas (along with, presumably, a freezing mechanism?)
3. Chipped concrete
4. Tiny little eggs
5. Big sand

What do you reckon?

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

Are you a pole vaulter?

Yes! Is that an assumption based on my Ukrainian athletics tracksuit and muscular upper body, or are you a keen fan of the sport?

Dear Adele…

Dear Adele,

The budgie is in ascendance, I repeat the budgie is in ascendance.

Yours,
–
H. Rumbelow

PS. If you’ve forgotten the importance of this phrase, then ignore it.

Dear Natalie Portman…

Dear Natalie,

I am trying to name my dog. This, as I’m sure you have experienced, is a most cumbersome trial of creativity and so, it is to you I turn for some advice. If I describe my dog for you would you suggest 7 – 10 options for a name? Should one of your names be chosen, we will christen the kennel ‘The Natalie Portman Kennel’ in your honour.

MY DOG:
Breed: Dog
Age: Young
Face: Friendly

He has four legs, and a tail that wags with the motion of a nervous golfer. His fur covers most of his body. The nose, inside of the ears and belly are the main naked areas. His eyes are round. In terms of personality, if he was a cocktail he would be a Harvey Wallbanger, if he was a football team he would be Kettering Town and if he was a bridge, he would be the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

(All details are courtesy of a nationwide survey*)

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

*survey taken driving down the M1