Dear Lee from Blue,
I have recently come into possession of a model of the London sewage system made entirely from soap. It is NOT important how this came to happen (though I will say, it has nothing to do with car boot sales, auction houses or my local post office).
The model must of course be kept dry at all times, and so I am writing to you to see if you have any spare towels that I could use to remove excess moisture and increase the aridity of my garden shed (this is where the model is kept, along with my tortoise, Hermione).
Any assistance you can give would be much appreciated, I have already received three hand towels from Simon and a bath mat from Anthony Costa (which is entirely useless).
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Kanye,
Have you ever bathed in scrumpy?
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Linda,
What’s the average waiting time for a bus in your area? Round here it is 17 minutes, long enough to strim the lawn on a good day.
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Uncategorized
Dear Bill,
What would you consider the greatest album of all time?
My friend George (who was once considered as a potential keyboard technician in Haircut 100) contends that this honour should be held by David Bowie’s 1979 effort, ‘Lodger’, largely based on it being the only album he owns that does not feature a singing animal.
I however, disagree, maintaining that any record without a hidden track at the end simply cannot be considered the greatest. My choice, therefore, is Greenday’s ‘Dookie’ – a surprising choice considering my twin loves of carpet and grooming, but I do love the liner notes.
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Arlene,
Which lottery numbers do you play? My friend George and I put on the same line each week in the hope we might one day win enough to buy a concrete Mammoth for the garden.
Our numbers are: 1, 15, 21, 22, 24 and 38 and we chose them for the following reason:
01 – For purity
15 – The number of hamsters I have owned (female)
21 – The date (in June) when George discovered he could roll his tongue
22 – The age I was when I first tasted Vimto
24 – 6 x 4 (six slices of salami and four pieces of bread, my typical Tuesday lunchtime snack)
38 – Rhymes with ‘dirty plate’
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Avril.
I have long suspected that you are a keen eagle fanatic. Am I correct? Assuming that I am, would you like me to make you a collage of eagle images that I have collected over the years? I used to be a big fan of the birds, but have recently seen my interest wane. In particular I now have 764 images of the Martial Eagle (Dave) I used to see while stationed in Kenya in my youth, that I wish to get rid of.
Please do let me know if you would like them, or they will become cat litter.
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Drew,
You are the subject of my new favourite joke! George (my friend, and co-conspirator on humorous items) told it to me over a pasty: “This weekend my wife painted numerous portraits of Paul Chuckle, but I drew-Barry-more”! Isn’t it marvellous?
My previous favourite joke was: “I like Cliff Richard, but I like Cliff Mitchelmore”.
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Jack,
Have you ever used an alternative to shampoo? I find it is the household item which runs out most often when one is least expecting it. Only this morning, I found myself reaching for a bottle in the shower and finding nothing. Nada. Nil. Zilch. Nowt. Noodles.
I have read in the past that strawberries may be a natural alternative to cleaning products, but my friend George (a man who coined the phrase ‘Harp on soldier ant’) refutes this, contending that I may be thinking of things that go well with cream.
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Meryl,
Have you ever, or would you ever consider, carpeting a bathroom?
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
Dear Arsene,
Are you a man enticed by cruising? I have often thought about leaving dry land and setting sail on a goliath liner but am unsure where to go. I thought you might have an idea?
My friend George (whose only experience on a boat was in 1986, on a coracle making course) has suggested a a three day tour of the North Sea starting from Hull, ending in Aberdeen and ignoring Norway. I however, have been considering a month long sojourn aboard a fishing trawler located somewhere off Galway (during which time I intend to read the entire back catalogue of Punch magazine).
Do you have any comments? Or alternatively, maybe you can recommend a good towel manufacturer?
Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow
Categories: Emails
