Dear Britney Spears…

Dear Britney,

How’s your Latin? I may have a job for you.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ryan Giggs…

Dear Ryan,

Have you ever promoted the use of glue as a fuel? I found a leaflet on the subject, and thought it would be right up your street. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an honorary member of the ‘Insititute of People Who Think Glue Should Be Used A Fuel’ already, but in case not, I have provided their three top nuggets of info:

1. Glue can be used in cars with the use of a ‘Glue converter’
2. Pound for pound, you can get more energy from glue, than from some woods
3. The Earl of Sandwich toasted his own sandwiches on a glue powered stove

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear JLS…

Dear JLS,

Would you like me to design you a tartan?

I know you are not Scottish (neither am I – though I do own a Proclaimers album), but I felt it might be fun. The tartan could of course be worn as a kilt, trousers or socks, but I thought it might also grace your personal sofas and/or be used to make promotional dog coats. I know several people who would be interested in these (see attached Excel file).

If you’d like to go ahead with this project, just say the word*. I have my ruler at the ready.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

*The word is ‘crumpet’

Dear Nelson Mandela…

Dear Nelson,

You are, I’m sure, a fan of Kermit the Frog. Would you therefore like a purchase a mug painted with Kermit’s likeness (from behind)? It is in very good condition and has only been used once – a mug of bovril. Hot.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Sacha Baron Cohen…

Dear Sacha,

“Hark Ye! Tis the sound of the mighty Quail, Grundig, warbling from his nest in the cold, frozen North”.

Do you think this is an appropriate way for a Bed & Breakfast proprietor to greet guests?

I was staying in an otherwise charming establishment in Frome, when this was bawled as guests came down to breakfast (sausage ad egg in a bap or a continental offering of yoghurt, grapes and cheese)? I was most startled by this, and a lady from Winchester was driven to tears. Figuratively.

What would you have done in the situation? I chose to stay quiet. After all, I did want a runny yolk on my egg.

Yours,
–

Dear Norma Major…

Dear Norma,

When is the best time to collect my metal detector?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear June Sarpong…

Dear June,

As one of the top 10 most recognisable voices in all of Europe, I wonder if you could help me with a little problem I have. As the owner of a dalmatian with little in the way of an attention span, I am constantly calling his name (Sandy in friendly company, Bingo Laminate III at any one of the major parks he has upset the groundsmen). This is however tiresome, as I plan to save my voice for a much belated attempt at the X-Factor next series (my friend George and I plan to revive a group we once ran called The Flaky Giblets).

What I would therefore like to do, is record your voice shouting ‘Sandy’, ‘Bingo Laminate III” and other commands such as ‘Sit’, ‘Stay’ and ‘He’s not going to pat you any harder’ that are in regular use as part of my canine vocabulary. Could you help? If you’ve any time, it would be most helpful to have the recordings made at my home studio (a dictaphone), where I can provide not one, but two cups of tea for your time (if I have enough tea).

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Robbie Williams…

Dear Robbie,

Can you smelt?

Smelting is one of my favourite past times and I am looking to induct more people into the art. Just this week, I have already produced 376 grams of steel from a rough lump of iron ore, a process I undertook at my local smelting clinic (where they also serve very good soup). I was thinking of creating a pamphlet about the art, possibly illustrated with pornography to appeal to the youth. What do you think?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Lee from Blue…

Dear Lee from Blue,

I have recently come into possession of a model of the London sewage system made entirely from soap. It is NOT important how this came to happen (though I will say, it has nothing to do with car boot sales, auction houses or my local post office).

The model must of course be kept dry at all times, and so I am writing to you to see if you have any spare towels that I could use to remove excess moisture and increase the aridity of my garden shed (this is where the model is kept, along with my tortoise, Hermione).

Any assistance you can give would be much appreciated, I have already received three hand towels from Simon and a bath mat from Anthony Costa (which is entirely useless).

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Kanye West…

Dear Kanye,

Have you ever bathed in scrumpy?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow