Dear George Galloway…

Dear George,

Do you rent your eyebrows, or have you bought them outright?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Paddy McGuiness…

Dear Paddy,

What is your lung capacity?

I, ably assisted by my friend George (a lapsed swimming instructor), am creating a series of sports balls (football, squash, croquet) with their size denoted by equivalent celebrity lung capacity. This is proving more difficult than you might think. I have already christened the football the ‘Ernie Els’, but have now reached a bit of a brick wall. Any help you can offer is much appreciated (you could lie if you think it will help).

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Lenny Henry…

Dear Leonard,

Do you believe you are reincarnated?

I am genuinely convinced that I, in a previous life, was a servant at the court of King George II. During this time I was charged, almost exclusively, with moving apples. I moved them from the tree to the larder; then from the kitchen to the table and often, I would move the apples from the table to another part of the table if requested. Sometimes I would be asked to move pears, but this was something of a treat.

What about you? I’m sure you must have a tale of a previous life that amuses, intrigues or horrifies. I would love to hear it. My friend George (a former Scout leader), believes he was once a kumquat.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Demi Moore…

Dear Demi,

To what extent do you consider chopsticks a necessity?

My friend George and I have recently been listing the 147 items we could not live without (we were watching the snooker at the time). So far on the list we have the obvious ‘must haves’ such as bread, lino and slippers, but we’re struggling with some of the items at the tail end of the list.

We only have four spaces left into which we must fit the following – do you have any advice?

• Chopsticks
• Halogen lamps
• Tents
• Domino Rally
• Felt tip pens
• D batteries
• Vermouth
• Bulldog clips
• Carafes (for wine)
• Carpet

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Louise Redknapp…

Dear Louise,

You’re lovely.*

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

*There is no caveat, I just wanted to say how lovely you are again.

Dear Henry Winkler…

Dear Henry,

Have you made a snowman recently? If so, what did you use for the eyes? I know coal is traditional, but it does cause such a mess (I ruined a Coca-Cola branded bomber jacket last year) and of course, coal rhymes with ‘bowl’, which I do not find satisfactory (as discussed in my Christmas newsletter to you in 1998).

I am planning on building a man of snow, and my current shortlist for eyes is:
1) Plasters (fabric, scrunched)
2) Liquorice Allsorts
3) Blood

What do you think?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Santa…

Dear Santa,

Did you shit in my chimney?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Britney Spears…

Dear Britney,

How’s your Latin? I may have a job for you.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ryan Giggs…

Dear Ryan,

Have you ever promoted the use of glue as a fuel? I found a leaflet on the subject, and thought it would be right up your street. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an honorary member of the ‘Insititute of People Who Think Glue Should Be Used A Fuel’ already, but in case not, I have provided their three top nuggets of info:

1. Glue can be used in cars with the use of a ‘Glue converter’
2. Pound for pound, you can get more energy from glue, than from some woods
3. The Earl of Sandwich toasted his own sandwiches on a glue powered stove

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear JLS…

Dear JLS,

Would you like me to design you a tartan?

I know you are not Scottish (neither am I – though I do own a Proclaimers album), but I felt it might be fun. The tartan could of course be worn as a kilt, trousers or socks, but I thought it might also grace your personal sofas and/or be used to make promotional dog coats. I know several people who would be interested in these (see attached Excel file).

If you’d like to go ahead with this project, just say the word*. I have my ruler at the ready.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

*The word is ‘crumpet’