Dear Chris Barrie…

The Red Dwarf Hologram and ‘man-in-comedy-best-placed-to-run-a-leisure-centre’ is next on my list.

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Dearest Chris,

I am a big fan of your work and would be very pleased if you could clear up a query for me. Is your name Christopher or Christian – or indeed something else?! My friend George reckons you are actually called something ulterior, such as Gerard or Jeziah but I think this unlikely. If you could let us know, it would be much appreciated as we currently enjoy a fad for referring to all persons by their full first names and would hate to not be able to bring you up in conversation.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Neil Buchanan…

This is an art attack [insert art attack], this is an art attack [insert attack], this is… an email to Neil Buchanan of Art Attack fame.

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Dear Neil Buchanan,

I heard on the grapevine that you were soon to be presenting an updated version of The Krypton Factor? Is this true? How does one go about applying to be on the show? My friend George would be an excellent contestant, though he may struggle in the physical test since his operation. In fact, if filming is within the next month or so he would not be able to attend as the bruising will still be quite severe.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow