Dear Matthew Kelly…

Do I like Matthew Kelly? You Bet…

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Dear Matthew,

I am writing to you about one subject and one subject only: welding. It has long been an ambition of mine to produce a ‘Celebrity Welding’ show for the television (maybe a digital channel, I’m not too fussy) and I feel that the time is now right to begin pushing for this, as the climate in the entertainment industry strikes me as most accommodating. Would you be interested in taking part? Ever since I first saw you I thought ‘There’s a man that knows how to handle a blow-torch’. This offer is of course subject to a medical.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Keeley Hazell…

My friend George likes her puppies, but I myself am allergic.

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Dear Keeley,

I was so excited to find out that you were born in Lewisham! I myself, have spent several weekends in the area (lunching with a now deceased relative) and though that was generally dull, I was still pleased to find out this news. I wanted to ask however, are you a typical Lewisham lass? My studies tell me that 43% of Lewisham Residents would stroke a cat if invited. Would you? Similarly, 19% of Lewisham residents know how to make Chicken Satay. Do you?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow