Dear Mr David Walliams…

He’s surprisingly tall you know…

–

Dear David,

I believe in God. Not in the literal sense of course, but in the sense that I wish to believe someone was responsible for editing The Bible. Due to this I attend Church with my friend George on the third Sunday of every month (on the first Sunday we lunch with my mother, the second Sunday we help run a car-boot sale and the final Sunday is a day of rest). In order to raise funds for a new font we have both been asked to come up with some fundraising ideas and thought that you might be able to help. Did you consider many things before deciding to swim Le Manche? I always pictured you as a sponsored silence kind of guy. Also, do you have any advice on sponsorship form design?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Piers Morgan…

Dear Piers,

My mother continues to pronounce your name ‘Pears’ like the shape of my sister. Would you please be so kind as to respond with either a) a phonetic spelling of your name to prove her wrong or b) an audio recording of yourself or a respected actor (e.g. Robert Powell) reading a sentence containing your name. One example I am fond of is: “I think Piers Morgan is terribly unlikely to organise a ‘Donkey Derby’ in his own garden”.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow