Dear Mr Paul Potts…

No longer the most talented man in Britain

–

Dear Paul,

I have just watched with interest as your crown as Britain’s most talented individual was taken from you in a live phone vote. How do you feel about this? I for one am outraged that you were not allowed to defend your title while George (a friend of mine with deteriorating eyesight) has spent the last couple of weeks convinced you were now the third judge on the show. I explained that while you were a talented singer, you probably couldn’t edit a national newspaper.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Abi Titmus…

Dear Abi,

Did you know that contrary to popular belief Lemmings do not infact jump from cliffs in a bid to control their population. Further, Ostri to do not bury their heads in the sand in the real plains of Africa. These and other facts are from an e-newsletter my friend George and I are putting together called ‘Animaltastic : Feats and Marvels From The Kingdom of the Beast’ and thought that with your animal magnetism and desire to be a vet (??) you would be the ideal candidate to quote as a fan. Are you a fan? Should you require more convincing before coming a fan do let me know and we can arrange a suitable pack of convincing material to be delivered by courier.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Lorraine Kelly…

Dear Lorraine,

How high do you think you can count? My friend George reckons he can count well beyond the third billion but I am not convinced. People bandy around claims of counting to enormous numbers but I am yet to hear anyone actually do so (I looked for a video on Youtube but to no avail).

As a trusted face (and smile) on breakfast TV I thought you might have some keen thoughts on how high the average individual can count. George is not average (he is around 12% worse off in most areas) but I feel this would be a good starting point.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Nick Faldo…

Dear Nick,

Do you use golfing innuendo? You know the sort of thing: ‘I wouldn’t mind raking her bunker’, ‘She can play on my fairway any time’  or saying ‘Phwoaarrr’ when you see a luscious lady hitting the ball off the tee.

I am about to attend a Stag Weekend during which we will play golf, curse and lick champagne from the navels of nude dancing girls. Given I am not usually an inhabitant of these worlds I feel I need some training to get in to character. What you do you think? Can you provide me with any more ideas?

I have CC’d Justin Rose into this email in case you want to defect to his more youthful outlook.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Chris Martin…

Dear Chris,

I am embarking upon a journey by flight next week and am a little nervous about the excursion. As a world renowned globe-trotter I thought you might have some tips as to the best way to cope with fear, anger and general malaise during the flight?!

Should I take a book, or a magazine? Is there a difference? Do they provide food or should I plan to pack a thermos? Are the headphones they provide hygenic? Is it cold, hot or otherwise uncomfortable on board? How do you decant 100ml of Lynx spray deodorant to comply with aviation regulations? Will I have to sit next to a fat man?

Any advice appreciated.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Alan Sugar…

Dear Alan

Do you have a blog? I had a quick browse on the internet but could not find one, though I figure if you did (revealing inside secrets about what Nick Hewer eats for breakfast for example) you would want to remain anonymous. I am considering linking to various sites (including my brother’s abattoir and a social network for those in the plastics industry) however as a way of increasing my traffic and thought I could link to you? Let me know what you think and I’ll consider letting you add a reciprocal link if you like, though only for a month then we’ll see how we go.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Sharon Davies…

Dear Sharon,

How is everything with you? Wonderful. I am not so well, but thank you for asking.

I am writing to you today (though cannot send this email until 2 days time due to a change in broadband provider) as I would like to ask you for some fitness tips. I have noticed a veritable paunch appearing over the brow of my trousers in the last couple of years and having booked a week in Turkey I wish to ‘trim down’. I have done the usual such as cutting all meat out of my diet and watching exhilarating drama rather than pedestrian soaps, but feel I should do more. Do you have any tips? You should be aware that I live in a relatively rough neighbourhood and outdoor exercise is not an option.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear David Dickinson…

Fan ofchips

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Dear David,

I was at a car boot sale some time ago and bought, what I would call, a table. I have since found out that it is in fact part of a rather ornate jardiniere. As you can imagine, I was quite taken aback when I found this out (I saw a similar one on Cash In The Attic in case you were wondering) and would now like to sell it on as I find it uncomfortable to look at – the table imposter that it is.

I have already written a ’small ad’ to put in my local paper and wondered if you would look over it for me:

1 JARDINIERE FOR SALE. YEAH, I DON’T KNOW EITHER.
CAN BE USED AS A TABLE IF YOU DON’T MIND A
TABLE WITHOUT A SOUL. £100 ONO. NO GYPSIES PLEASE.

What do you think? Would you like to buy it?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Bob Carolgees…

Dear Bob,

During weeks of research, I – along with my cohort George – have been seeking the ideal babysitter. Why? Not because we have children (George is actually infertile) but because we think such information should be more readily available.

After considering the question for some time, we decided that the ideal babysitter would be: male (men have better spatial awareness), a celebrity (too much to lose from doing anything untoward), adept at entertainment (a bored child is a dangerous child) and should have a moustache (to appear disciplinary e.g. Hilter or Tom Selleck).

We feel you fit this breakdown better than anybody which means that we have suggested you as Britain’s ideal babysitter!! What do you think?! We can make you a badge to wear if you like, but to be honest, we’re not sure the honour is worthy.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Gary Wilmot…

Dear Gary,

This morning, my friend George and I were thinking about writing to The Queen (HRH Elizabeth II, not any other monarch, the band who played hits such as ‘I Want It All’ or TV superstars Colin & Justin) to explain how George’s silhouette is near identical to her current likeness as shown on coins, stamps and pictures of stamps.

The reason I am writing to you is to establish a witty way of signing off the letter. As a seasoned Royal Variety performer, I thought you might have something in mind you could lend me? George and I would pay all relevant royalties, pardon the pun! Does she like puns?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow