Dear Linda Barker…

Dear Linda,

You are, without doubt, the most talented interior designer in the blonde, female, TV presenting interior designer bracket (ignoring Carol Smilie of course). Given this, could you give me some tips on how to dress my cat? Gilgamesh (my cat) is somewhat vain and I think he would enjoy having a wardrobe to choose from each day, however limited.

I have experimented with dressing him in baby grows and discarded hessian sacking but neither has seemed to work terribly well. What can you recommend? I don’t want to spend much on the venture and have only put aside £1.38 and some Boots vouchers.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Louis Walsh…

To be sure…

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Dear Louis,

Do you know any Leprechauns? I am thinking particularly of any you might have met during auditions for Boyzone and/or Westlife?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Stelios Haji-Ioannou…

He believes he can fly…

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Dear Stelios,

I recently flew on your Easy-Jet aeroplane service and was alarmed, if excited, by the swathes of orange on display. I wonder, is this so that birds can see the planes coming in the sky and get out of the way? Are you a bird lover, and if so which is your favourite avian species? I enjoy the pithy strains of the cockatoo while my friend George, who once ate a guinea fowl, likes the albatross.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Paris Hilton…

Dear Paris,

Can you play the recorder?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Bert & Ernie…

Closer than Ant &Dec…

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Dear Bert and Ernie,

I have noticed that when you are filmed in bed, your duvet and pillows are remarkably clean. How do you keep them so what with all your cookie eating and hectic schedules? Do you have a cleaner (my friend George can suggest a very good one if not) or do you have tips involving vinegar and used cork up your sleeve? I would love to know, as I am currently sleeping in a rather musty bed that was left to me by my aunt (now dead).

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Miss Kylie Minogue…

Dear Kylie,

I watch your sister, Danny, on X-Factor each week and spend many minutes wondering what you and her were like as children? Did you build sandcastles on those wonderful Australian beaches I hear so much about. I imagine you being a keen structural architect, while your sister indulges in interior design with shells, seaweed and discarded chip forks (the wooden, rather than plastic variety). Is this accurate?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Vernon Kay…

Taller than a huge tower of coins…

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Dear Vernon,

As you know, you are a man of some stature. This, I imagine, must make it very difficult getting on the tube. Is this why I have never seen you on the tube? I travel mainly on the Central Line and Piccadilly Line thought have been on all lines at some point (not the East London Line however, it really never served a purpose). I have seen Jimmy Carr once, but this did not impress.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Frankie Boyle…

Dear Frankie,

Do you have a kitchen? I’m guessing you do as I read recently that over 83% of UK homes now have an indoor kitchen. I am asking as I have recently broken the last of my egg cups (an accident involving my friend George and a banana skin, which he threw at the egg cup) and require a new one. Would you happen to have one spare? I am inviting Martha, the post-person, for lunch next week and would ideally like to serve boiled egg and soldiers. If you are unable to help, I will have to cancel.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Miss Natasha Bedingfield…

Dear Natasha,

I have recently become something of a fan of American action serial ‘24′ featuring Keith R. Sutherland. At present I am nearing the end of Season 1 of the show, but have become somewhat disorientated. After lengthy discussion my friend George and I decided that you (based largely on your sparkly eyes) would be a good candidate for explaining the more subtle plot points. George and I are largely unsure of why Jack Bauer isn;t dead yet. Any pointers are much appreciated.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Bez…

Dear Bez,

Do you have any spare maracas? The local Church group had there set stolen (around the time the travelling fair came to town) and have yet to replace them. As a favour (and to get on the right side of Mrs Gwince who plays the organ) I’m trying to find some replacement-racas as the music group haven’t been the same since (Joby actually swore last session). Plus, I’m hoping my helping out will result in Mrs Gwince making me some of her famous flap-jacks.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow