Dear Kanye West…

Dear Kanye,

Have you ever bathed in scrumpy?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Linda Bellingham…

Dear Linda,

What’s the average waiting time for a bus in your area? Round here it is 17 minutes, long enough to strim the lawn on a good day.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Bill Clinton…

Dear Bill,

What would you consider the greatest album of all time?

My friend George (who was once considered as a potential keyboard technician in Haircut 100) contends that this honour should be held by David Bowie’s 1979 effort, ‘Lodger’, largely based on it being the only album he owns that does not feature a singing animal.

I however, disagree, maintaining that any record without a hidden track at the end simply cannot be considered the greatest. My choice, therefore, is Greenday’s ‘Dookie’ – a surprising choice considering my twin loves of carpet and grooming, but I do love the liner notes.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Arlene Philips…

Dear Arlene,

Which lottery numbers do you play? My friend George and I put on the same line each week in the hope we might one day win enough to buy a concrete Mammoth for the garden.

Our numbers are: 1, 15, 21, 22, 24 and 38 and we chose them for the following reason:

01 – For purity
15 – The number of hamsters I have owned (female)
21 – The date (in June) when George discovered he could roll his tongue
22 – The age I was when I first tasted Vimto
24 – 6 x 4 (six slices of salami and four pieces of bread, my typical Tuesday lunchtime snack)
38 – Rhymes with ‘dirty plate’

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Avril Lavigne…

Dear Avril.

I have long suspected that you are a keen eagle fanatic. Am I correct? Assuming that I am, would you like me to make you a collage of eagle images that I have collected over the years? I used to be a big fan of the birds, but have recently seen my interest wane. In particular I now have 764 images of the Martial Eagle (Dave) I used to see while stationed in Kenya in my youth, that I wish to get rid of.

Please do let me know if you would like them, or they will become cat litter.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Drew Barrymore…

Dear Drew,

You are the subject of my new favourite joke! George (my friend, and co-conspirator on humorous items) told it to me over a pasty: “This weekend my wife painted numerous portraits of Paul Chuckle, but I drew-Barry-more”! Isn’t it marvellous?

My previous favourite joke was: “I like Cliff Richard, but I like Cliff Mitchelmore”.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow