Dear June Sarpong…

Dear June,

As one of the top 10 most recognisable voices in all of Europe, I wonder if you could help me with a little problem I have. As the owner of a dalmatian with little in the way of an attention span, I am constantly calling his name (Sandy in friendly company, Bingo Laminate III at any one of the major parks he has upset the groundsmen). This is however tiresome, as I plan to save my voice for a much belated attempt at the X-Factor next series (my friend George and I plan to revive a group we once ran called The Flaky Giblets).

What I would therefore like to do, is record your voice shouting ‘Sandy’, ‘Bingo Laminate III” and other commands such as ‘Sit’, ‘Stay’ and ‘He’s not going to pat you any harder’ that are in regular use as part of my canine vocabulary. Could you help? If you’ve any time, it would be most helpful to have the recordings made at my home studio (a dictaphone), where I can provide not one, but two cups of tea for your time (if I have enough tea).

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Robbie Williams…

Dear Robbie,

Can you smelt?

Smelting is one of my favourite past times and I am looking to induct more people into the art. Just this week, I have already produced 376 grams of steel from a rough lump of iron ore, a process I undertook at my local smelting clinic (where they also serve very good soup). I was thinking of creating a pamphlet about the art, possibly illustrated with pornography to appeal to the youth. What do you think?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Lee from Blue…

Dear Lee from Blue,

I have recently come into possession of a model of the London sewage system made entirely from soap. It is NOT important how this came to happen (though I will say, it has nothing to do with car boot sales, auction houses or my local post office).

The model must of course be kept dry at all times, and so I am writing to you to see if you have any spare towels that I could use to remove excess moisture and increase the aridity of my garden shed (this is where the model is kept, along with my tortoise, Hermione).

Any assistance you can give would be much appreciated, I have already received three hand towels from Simon and a bath mat from Anthony Costa (which is entirely useless).

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow