Dear Linda Bellingham…

Dear Linda,

What’s the average waiting time for a bus in your area? Round here it is 17 minutes, long enough to strim the lawn on a good day.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ulrika Johnsson…

Dear Ulrika,

I heard (from a man at Chester Zoo) that you have the largest collection of staples in Western Europe. This is quite marvellous! I myself have a collection of around 132 staples, though these are not categorised in any way, as I assume yours are? How do you categorise them? By size or material? I would be most interested in learning about any proprietary system you’ve invented to catalogue your staples.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Bruce Forsyth…

Dear Bruce,

I just wanted to let you know that I do not find it a pleasant experience setting eyes upon you. Setting eyes upon you is an experience I find pleasant, not.

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow

PS. You wore very nice shoes on TV tonight.

Dear Steve Coogan…

Dear Steve,

I enjoy a game of scrabble now and again (indeed I am currently playing scrabble, and will do so once more this evening at my weekly scrabble night) – do you? I am looking for personalities to play a charity game against and when I pulled ‘K, O, U, G, E, N, N,’ from the bag at the start of this game I considered it fate.

Would you be willing and able to take part? If you feel that your scrabble skills are not up to speed I wouldn’t want to embarrass you, I am rather good.

Yours,
–

Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Bill Bailey

Dear Bill,

Are you Taurus?

Yours,
–
Herbert Rumbelow