Dear Gary,
There is a lane in Dorset which features an astonishingly flat wall. But you know this, do you not? When my friend George and I took a drive last weekend (there was little on television and Blockbuster had a power-cut) we stopped for our sandwiches in a secluded lane and George noticed that daubed upon it was the slogan ‘G.B. Was Here – Funkin’ C-Nuts’. We surmised that this was your work – are we correct? It would be awful to know children had done this.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Duncan,
I work sometimes as a freelance cracker-joke writer, and I wanted to run an idea by you in advance of next Christmas (it may seem early to you but I have several errands to run before the next cold snap). It is a small gag, but a nice one I think. I do hope you like it:
How do you improve the colour of your swimming trunks?
Dunk in good hue!!!
What do you think? Did you snort 7-Up from your nostrils, or were you unmoved?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Do I like Matthew Kelly? You Bet…
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Dear Matthew,
I am writing to you about one subject and one subject only: welding. It has long been an ambition of mine to produce a ‘Celebrity Welding’ show for the television (maybe a digital channel, I’m not too fussy) and I feel that the time is now right to begin pushing for this, as the climate in the entertainment industry strikes me as most accommodating. Would you be interested in taking part? Ever since I first saw you I thought ‘There’s a man that knows how to handle a blow-torch’. This offer is of course subject to a medical.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
My friend George likes her puppies, but I myself am allergic.
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Dear Keeley,
I was so excited to find out that you were born in Lewisham! I myself, have spent several weekends in the area (lunching with a now deceased relative) and though that was generally dull, I was still pleased to find out this news. I wanted to ask however, are you a typical Lewisham lass? My studies tell me that 43% of Lewisham Residents would stroke a cat if invited. Would you? Similarly, 19% of Lewisham residents know how to make Chicken Satay. Do you?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Derek,
As a man in touch with ‘the other side’ I was wondering if you might be able to answer a question for me? Do ghosts have access to email? I am regularly in a position to ask a member of the deceased community some question or other (my friend George frequently questions Victorian fashion choices for example), and thought that spectres may have perfected wide-area networking as well as floating, walking through walls and impersonating sheets.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Peaches,
There is a saying in my family: “If the warrior tumbles, the scabbard holds true”. I’m not entirely sure I know what it means, but now it has been printed on several items of stationery I fear it is too late to change it. Does your family have any sayings? I am trying to judge whether my little aphorism is better or worse than the average family saying in the UK, and I thought I’d best check with you first.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Geoff,
This may seem an odd email, but bare with me. Are you the same Geoff Capes who visited the Castle Museum in Guernsey last summer? I was perusing their visitors book (I was there, I hadn’t stolen it) and saw your name written in a rather lovely script, and wondered if it could be you! Do let me know, as I would be so pleased if it was. I will however require some form of proof, such as a sketched layout of the museum – from memory – to prove you were there, and not just humouring me.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
A note to everyone’s favourite Lembit…
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Dear Mr Lembit Opik MP,
As has been noted many times, you have a great sense of smell.
My friend George even leads me to believe that you have been guest editor of ‘The Olfactory Factory Magazine’ on no less than 3 occasions! Are you naturally nasal, or have you trained in the pursuit of perfection? I should add, that I am taking this information at face value from George, who was in his youth, somewhat of a prankster. If you are in fact not a nostril Nostradamus, then please accept my apologies, and this question mark: ‘?‘
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
I email the people I love. You’ve got to have a system.
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Dear Harry,
Or should I call you ‘Man you makes me and George laugh so’. We settle down each Saturday evening to enjoy your ‘TV Burp’ and one thing continually intrigues us: do you always wear the same pair of glasses? I think you do, as you strike me as the kind of prudent fellow who wouldn’t waste resources on multiple frames. However, George is convinced you have a different pair on every show, and sometimes change them during the adverts too. Admittedly, I do have to have some respect for his view, as he once applied to much loved weekend entertainment ‘You Bet’ claiming he could distinguish glasses frames, even very similar ones, at 100 paces. He didn’t get on, despite including a poem for Matthew Kelly in his application form.
So, what is the truth Harry? Do let us know.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Peter,
I am a fan of The Kinks. Are you? If so I have a number of surplus CDs (and the odd cassette too, I know how you like the 80s) that I could lend you. Would you be interested. I am contacting a variety of entertainment professionals both upcoming and ‘with it’ as I feel this direct method should yield better results than a Sunday morning in the local car-boot sale (where, incidentally, I once picked up a whole case of Brut aftershave for only £4.25). Are you interested in the CDs? Let me know, as I have some on hold already for Cliff Thorburn.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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