Dear Graham,
What is preferred flavour of yoghurt? I only ask as I have a barrel (yes, a barrel) of Summer Fruits that I am trying to get rid of. If I cannot find a taker (you will require a LARGE fridge), I may attempt to bathe in it, but this would be a last resort.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Holly,
My uncle, Roger, is well known as a quizzing expert in and around the Falmouth area. Indeed, he has secured a top 3 finishing position in every pub, charity and Rotary Club quiz for the last 7 years – a feat comparable to that of Hilary and Tensing, you’ll no doubt agree.
Last night however he was unable to identify you in a picture round, an error that cost him the £50 bar tab at the Pope & Duck. He is most upset by this, and I though he could be cheered up if you send him a folio of 5 facts about yourself? This could be anything from your preferred method of buttering toast, to your views on the BDO and PDC split in professional darts – you can decide. If you could present these in a laminated format, that would be most helpful.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Queen,
Happy Birthday!!
In honour of HRH ‘you’ I have baked a pastry in the shape of a corgi. It is roughly the size of a tray, and is infused with a blueberry and mango coulis (made by my friend George, a former ‘Little Chef’ employee). I have invited 7 friends (Caleb couldn’t make it) to enjoy the corgi this evening, at an event where we will exchange stamps, coins and screen-shots from The Christmas Speech in your honour.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Stephen,
Why are clocks round?
Following The Apprentice this week, George (a friend of mine, who is currently trying to grow out his sideburns) and I sat with a glass of port, and debated just this issue. He is of the opinion that clocks are round as it makes them easier to roll along the ground, and thus transport long distances.
I however, am more taken by the argument that the roundness of clocks echoes the rotational nature of our solar system, helping to marry the themes of time and existence in one simple form, thus reminding us of the fragility of life each time we make a 3-minute egg.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Thor,
Recently my friend George (a scholar of all things Norse) informed me that you have bigger feet than any other god, in any other religion or mythology. Where do you buy your shoes?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Paula,
Are you familiar with Dante’s Inferno? I am a huge fan of the work, and have therefore designed all of the rooms in my current home around this theme (I sleep in the 6th circle of hell!!). I was wondering if you had your home designed around a literary theme? I image you bathing in a bathroom inspired by James Joyce’s Ulysses or hanging your coat up in a cloakroom that exudes an air of Conrad’s Heart of Darkness. Am I close?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Jasper,
They say that necessity is the mother of invention, which is why I have deemed it necessary to begin work on an ‘Egg Closet’. Around Easter, one receives a huge surplus of eggs, and the modern kitchen simply cannot cope.
I am proposing a small, wooden construction similar in size to a dog’s coffin featuring a faux-fur lining and 4 shelves. This would live in any standard kitchen cupboard, and would hold up to 100 eggs. I am in the midst of designing a prototype model to scale (using chocolate mini-eggs gifted to me by my postman, Roy) – would you like to give it a trial run? I would very much value your opinion.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Mischa,
When was the last time you saw anyone milk a husky?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Tiger,
I am keen to dispel the myth that people who wear wigs are poor golfers. I’m sure you come across this kind of mis-thinking regularly in your line of work, and thought you might be keen to do something to help? I have already approached Ian Woosnam, but have since re-thought that decision.
What I would like you to do, is play the final round of the Masters tournament while wearing a wig* (of your choosing). If you maintain your form while ‘wigged’ I will book a schools tour of the UK and Ireland promoting our new found evidence (I hope to engage Ray Winstone to help with this, as I believe he was once an apprentice wig maker).
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
*Note: This should NOT be a pubic wig.
Posted in Emails
Dear Jacqui,
There can be few sights as majestic as an otter, swimming at full pelt with a struggling fish in its mouth. This is why I chose to send an etching of this image to Jorge, my adopted Chilean schoolboy at his home in the Atacama desert.
Do you think this was appropriate?! My friend George (no relation to Jorge) believes a nice letter about the weather, or a sturdy pair of sandals would have been a better gift. I struggle to see his logic, and maintain that a 10 year old boy would love an etching, I know I did (I actually etched competitively for Norfolk as a child).
I am writing to you as a woman of good standing in the hope you can set my mind at ease. I imagine you have gifted many etchings over the years, and look forward to hearing about them in your reply (please do not however reply with an etching, I have my quota).
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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