Here’s one for you…
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub, order two beers and a whiskey (ironically, it’s for the Englishman) and walk over to the quiz machine. They win a pound for remembering who won the 2004 FA cup final. Marvellous.
Posted in Deadpan Punchlines
Over recent weeks I have developed a new niche in my creative output.I’ve been musing on some of the more famous jokes of our time, and wondering what might happen were they to be relieved of their punchlines, and draped in something altogether more deadpan.
To kick off, I hope you’ll enjoy the following. A little favourite from my upcoming collection, of which I hope to share with you more…
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Little Timmy: Grandad, make a noise like a frog!
Grandad: OK, but why?!
Little Timmy: Because I need to record it for an audio-visual presentation on the life of British amphibians.
Posted in Deadpan Punchlines
Dear Bruce,
*Please note before i begin, that I will be unable to provide this service moving forward. This is do to unexplained circumstances.*
Bruce’s Tea Reading. December 2010.
Today’s tea was Tetley, and taken from a pot prepared lovingly by my friend George (who likes it with a Hob Nob).
On reading the tea I noticed two things: 1) The tea was wetter than would normally be expected and 2)The tea was browner than might be expected. This leads me to two further conclusions. Firstly, you will receive at least 3 books this Christmas, one on the power of Runes, and another signed by the author. Secondly, you will crave cake.
TEA READING ENDS.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Ricky,
I have it on good authority (my friend George, a man who is a member of every municipal library in the Greater London area) that you enjoy gurning. I would therefore be most appreciative if you could send a total of one images of you gurning (full dressed, ideally) that I could have turned into the knights in Herbert Rumbelow’s Gurning Greats chess set. The king is being modelled on Ainsley Harriot, while the pawns will draw their likeness from previous winners of the Nobel Prize for Economics.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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