Dear Miss Lucy Pinder…

Dear Lucy,

I am writing to make an enquiry. There is some fashion these days for family trees, what with ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ on the television and a website I once saw. Due to this, I have decided to invent the concept of ‘Bonsai Family Trees’.

My plan is to link some of the nations best loved figures with just one other notable member of their family. I would consider doing more but I have limited time due to the new series of CSI.

Do you know if you are related to anyone of note? Maybe the great wicket-keeper George Pinder, or Moody Blue, Mike Pinder? If you could let me know, I will be forever in your debt (figuratively speaking only).

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Luke Goss…

Re: Paternity Test

Dear Luke,

I’m afraid I am not your father, but thank you for asking.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Barry Scott

Mr Cillit Bang!

—

Dear Barry,

As a world renowned expert on the subject of grease removal, would you be able to give me some tips? I recently stained my foreskin (you don’t need to know the details) and given the rather embarrassing nature of this incident I am reluctant to seek medical attention (at any rate I think my doctor may be an alcoholic.) Do you have any advice? I do hope so as I have a life modelling class to attend next week and I don’t believe the students are given green inks.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Jade Goody…

Dear Jade,

What are you up to these days? My friend George said he saw you ice skating at The Natural History Museum over the Christmas period and you looked rather deft on your blades! If this is true (and I have reason to believe it isn’t – George can’t be trusted since he pilfered an ABC album from my collection) then why aren’t you on the Dancing On Ice series? Do you not like Philip Schofield?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Bob Holness…

Following Brian it’s ‘B’ number 2 – everyone’s favourite Holness, it’s Bob!

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Dear Bob,

Do you remember a simpler time when men were men and boys were men as long as they could tie a decent windsor knot? If so, would you be willing to lend your name to a new website of mine: “Cads and Their Fads” exploring manliness through the ages? I can send you promotional literature if you wish, though my friend George lost the floppy disk containing our logo.

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Brian Harvey…

For E17 geezer Brian Harvey…

—

Dear Brian,

I was wondering if you have recently lost a Boots Advantage Card? My friend George found one in the car park of a B&Q in Norfolk last weekend (he was there for a medieval reenactment) and it had the name B. Harvey stamped on it. I just wanted to check, as I know how disappointed I would be to lose the points I’ve built up (I’m saving them for a new flannel).

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Carol Vorderman

Dear Carol,

Since Fermat, Bertrand Russell and Pythagoras are dead I thought I would write to you, television’s premier mathematician. My friend George has a nephew, Alan, who doesn’t think that Math (he watches a lot of American drama) is a suitable subject in this day and age. Would you please tell him that really, it is, for reasons too numerous to list here. You can use that exact language if you like, just copy and paste it and add your stamp of approval!

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Chris Barrie…

The Red Dwarf Hologram and ‘man-in-comedy-best-placed-to-run-a-leisure-centre’ is next on my list.

—

Dearest Chris,

I am a big fan of your work and would be very pleased if you could clear up a query for me. Is your name Christopher or Christian – or indeed something else?! My friend George reckons you are actually called something ulterior, such as Gerard or Jeziah but I think this unlikely. If you could let us know, it would be much appreciated as we currently enjoy a fad for referring to all persons by their full first names and would hate to not be able to bring you up in conversation.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Neil Buchanan…

This is an art attack [insert art attack], this is an art attack [insert attack], this is… an email to Neil Buchanan of Art Attack fame.

—

Dear Neil Buchanan,

I heard on the grapevine that you were soon to be presenting an updated version of The Krypton Factor? Is this true? How does one go about applying to be on the show? My friend George would be an excellent contestant, though he may struggle in the physical test since his operation. In fact, if filming is within the next month or so he would not be able to attend as the bruising will still be quite severe.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Johnny Ball…

Dear Mr Johnny Ball, Sir.

Are you a fan of Aswad? I only ask because my friend, George (who thought you were a member of the shadow cabinet by the way) is under the impression that you selected not one, but three of their tracks when you appeared on Desert Island Discs. Have you even been on Desert Island Discs? If you could clear up this conundrum we would be most grateful and we can go and do the washing up.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow