Dear Susan Boyle…

Dear Susan,

What is your favourite type of wood? I have a soft spot for balsa (not to be taken as a pun), while my friend George (who has a wooden carpet) is an oak man through and through. This bank holiday we used our favourite woods to carve ourselves egg cups, with left over shavings being donated to a rabbit farm (not our local one, they have a disappointing hygiene record).

It would be wonderful if you could give some indication of your preferred wood type during the final of Britain’s Got Talent, possibly by writing it on your arm in biro, or otherwise, by weaving it into your song lyrics. I’m sure Amanda would love it.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Hugh Laurie…

Dear Hugh,

I am working on a book entitled ‘Grapes: A History of Wrath‘ all about upsetting incidents that have been attributed to the small, pulpy fruit (I will not be considering wine, or raisin based stories). Is there anything you would wish to add?

Current anecdotes include the story of a one-time Mayor of Romford who mistook an olive for a grape; the tragic tale of a grape farmer who lost his dog in a thresher; details of the largest grape in each of the Arab Emirates and their sorry demise; and a history of grapes in cricket in the form of a lyric poem written by Mike Gatting.

Yours,
—

Dear Kelly Brook…

Dear Kelly,

My friend George and I both keep pictures of you on our respective fridges (mine is held on by a ‘fried egg’ magnet, George’s with blue-tack). Further to this, we have both concocted captions for the images which we would like to share with you. The picture is a standard modelling pose in which you are clad, partly, in underwear.

George’s effort:
With this, I am charmed. Never shall darkness cross my path while this such lambent smile crowns my panting pneuma.

My effort:
Oh beauty, how thee taunts this clammy soul. Twas it my domain to class thee such, I would grant thy form nobility and lips a healthy cult.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Bernie Ecclestone…

Dear Bernie,

Are you related to Willow The Wisp?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Abba…

Dear Abba,

With Eurovision upon us this evening, it reminded me that I have not followed up on our conversation regarding the ability of velvet to withstand flooding. You will recall our meeting in Victoria Station in 1974 I assume, so there’s no need to rehash the affair with the coconuts.

I mentioned at the time, that I would undertake an experiment that would prove/disprove Bjorn’s theory that  velvet should be used for carpeting in flood prone areas, as it would be far hardier than standard twill carpets and thus better at repelling water. Having finally gotten round to graphing my tests last weekend, I can now conclusively say that Bjorn was wrong. He must be gutted.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Nick Clegg…

Dear Nick,

My friend George (who once voted Liberal by mistake) tells me that your forename is an acronym. Is this true? He claims to have read this in a woman’s weekly while waiting for an ingrown toenail to be operated upon, but is unable to recall quite what the letters NICK stand for. Following some thought while at the allotment this morning, I have surmised that it could be one of the following:

1. Not Interested Carole King!
2. Nobody Invites Crabs Kayaking
3. Northern Irish Chancellor (of) Kale

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear David Schwimmer…

Dear David,

Are you familiar with decoupage? If not, I think you should give it a try. I once recommended batik to Henry Winkler when he had little to occupy his time (we were Cruising together in the Baltic). He is now a keen proponent of the craft.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Joanna Lumley…

Dear Joanna,

Did you know that an oblong is not only a rectangle, but any elongated shape such as an oval? I was unaware of this until my friend, George (a man whose bookmarks have a rhomboid cross-section) relayed this information over a Nandos.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear John Higgins…

Dear John,

As a world beating snookerer, I thought you might be well placed to give me feedback on an edible set of billiard balls that I am hoping to put into production.

The food-stuffs in question will be:-

Yellow: Saffron infused cous-cous
Brown: Crushed twiglets
Green: An apple (green)
Blue: Fillet of Smurf (?? how obtainable are these?)
Pink: Raw lamb cutlets
Black: Liquorice shavings
Reds: A range of inflated raspberries
Cue ball: The frozen innards of a Tunnock’s tea-cake

Do you wish to have a sample?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Hugh Jackman…

Dear Hugh,

I am a taxidermist-in-training (there’s no need to applaud) who has recently finished work on his first vole. Despite some setbacks with the tail (I eventually had to use a rubber band) I am now looking to move onto a more robust mammal. My plan, as you might have guessed, is to stuff a wolverine which was loaned to me by a rather earnest gentleman from The London School of Economics.

The reason I am writing to you, is to request a moulding of your face (ideally rubber) that I can use to turn the animal into an X-Beast at will. I don’t think I need to explain why.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow