Dear Mr David Tennant…

Dear David,

Knock, Knock? Who’s there. Of course you are, because you’re reading this!

Do you ever tire of that joke David? My friend George (who’s father was an alcoholic) thinks you probably find it rather irksome, but I reckon you chuckle in good humour each time. We recently discovered that Pete Townshend does not enjoy the joke while none of the editors of the Who’s Who book have responded to our enquiries. I pray you might be different.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelo

Dear Mr Gok Wan…

Dear Gok,

What is the optimum length for shorts? With summer in full swing, I would like to wear more short trousers, but am unsure of the etiquette. Does the appropriate length change with any particular variables? For example, should dirty shorts be longer than clean ones, or should you wear tight shorts when pairing them with plimsols?

For your information, I am a pear shaped gent who usually bases his fashion style on Roal Dahl.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

PS. I trust you are aware that your name is an anagram of Go Wank? I assume it has been pointed out to you but my friend George (a man without any cogent anagram in his name) thought it best to raise the issue to make sure.

Dear Mr Murray Walker…

Dear Murray,

I have one very simple question for you: how long is a piece of string?

My friend George and I are conducting an experiment to find out the general thought of the nation. Only actual measurements please no philosophical stuff, we’re not interested. Sting settled for 5 meters, while Clive Owen offered ‘a foot’.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Christian Bale…

Dear Christian Bale,

Sorry to trouble you, I know you must be awfully busy with the release of The Dark Knight and fulfilling other bat related duties, but I just wanted to pick your brains for a moment…

I knew a gentleman once whose name was Derek. Nothing odd about this you might think, but there is more. I bumped into him recently and his friends were all calling him Christian. Why change your name I enquired, only to discover it had been the fault of an inexperienced Passport clerk who had misread his form and printed his travel documents with the soubriquet ‘Christian Sur’. True story.

Did a similar fate befall you? I sincerely hope not as you seem gruff enough to maintain your own moniker through thick and thin.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Colin Montgomerie…

Dear Colin,

I watched your Golfing exploits this weekend and have a question about your caddy: was he once a contestant on Masterchef?

I am sure I have seen him serving a ghoulash of chick peas on a linguini rosti to a trio of gastronomic personalities. As I recall he lost to a Loft insulator from Daghenham who came second overall. Am I mad, or is he one and the same? I would like to know, as it kept me awake all last night (or it may have been the police raid next door, but certainly this conundrum didn’t help).

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Dermot O’Leary…

Dear Dermot,

Has anybody every thought your name was ‘donut’? My friend George (a fan of your early work, though not so much your more recent endeavours) thought that maybe, on the odd occasion, a simpleton or semi-deaf child may have made this mistake? He would be awfully excited if you have, so do let us know. It might help lessen the disappointment felt when we learned that Elton John has never been mistakenly called ‘Algernon’ by an elderly citizen.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Denise Van Outen…

Dear Denise,

Did you receive my Valentines card this year? It’s just it has been some time, and I have yet to receive your response as to what you would like for Christmas. I have already received responses from comedian Lucy Porter, songstress Faye Tozer, and that Anne Diamond, and I wondered if maybe there had been a post mishap?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Louis de Bernieres

Dear Louis,

I have not read any of your books, could you please explain them to me?

I received some book tokens recently (when I found them in second coat I bought from Scope) and am unsure what to do with them as I already own a vast array of maps and the internet.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Tess Daly…

Dear Tess,

How big is your mouth? Can you fit an entire digestive inside without it breaking? My friend George and I would like to add you to our list of TV stars who could be relied upon to conceal a biscuit should the need arise, but want to ensure you are worthy of a place as it would mean bumping Mystic Meg from the list (though her waning popularity means we may remove her soon anyway).

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Noel Edmonds…

Deal or No Deal? One can only imagine a shopping excursion with Noel would be a mite trying…

—

Dear Noel,

You have a lot of experience brokering deals and, in my opinion at least, have the finest beard in Television (my friend George, who is typing this for me, wants to make it clear he does not and is rather more impressed with Rory McGrath’s facial hair). I was wondering therefore if you could lend your skills to a minor issue I am having. My neighbour (Irene) and I cannot come to an agreement over who should phone the council to complain about the frequency of recycling bin collections in our street. I feel she should do it as she has a more authoritative tone, while she thinks that as a woman, she will not be take seriously. Your thoughts?

Irene is flying to Malaga (I know, I know) on Tuesday, so a speedy response would be appreciated.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow