Dear Lee Mead…

Dear Lee,

I am considering launching a range of beverages in order to finance a short break on the Isle of Man (my friend George informs me it is quite delightful in Spring). In order to give the range a bit of a kick, I am intending to marry the drinks to well known names. First up (of course!), is my fruity ‘Lee Mead’. I would like it if you would try the tipple and give me some feedback that I might use as a promotional aid (positive would be ideal – maybe something along the lines of ‘This mead is so good it made me sack my milkman‘)

Coming soon, I hope to launch Sherry ‘Hewson’ and, later in the year, Beer-ry Manilow. I can send you samples of these if you wish.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Miss Amanda Lamb…

She’s so lovely, she’s so lovely, she’s so lovely, she’s so luv-a-ly…

—

Dear Amanda,

As the most beautiful woman on television (my friend George and I conducted a poll amongst close friends, and you beat your nearest rival, ex-Gladiator Diane Youdale, by yards) I would like to ask your advice. I wish to woo a young lady who shops at my local supermarket (a Tesco Metro, if this is important) and wonder which area of the floor would be best to approach her?

I fear the vegetable aisle may be too suggestive, while the breakfast cereal aisle just seems presumptuous. Obviously I would like to avoid toiletries and organic foods, and I don’t think the patisserie area would be suitable as she is carrying a few (dozen) extra pounds, and I don’t want to look like I’m taking the piss. So, I have surmised that my best options might be the frozen food section, which would be practical due to my flushes, or the door, which does offer something of a bottle-neck.

I look forward to your response. If I could engage this fine lady, then it really would be a super market! (Should I steer clear of jokes?)

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ralph Little…

He’s not big, but I think he may be clever…

—

Dear Ralph,

Something has been bothering me for some time now – how do actors learn their lines? I heard (from my friend George) that numerous devilish techniques are employed and wondered which you felt was the best? I ask mainly as I am keen to complain to my home insurance provider and feel a scripted performance will carry more weight than my usual improvised frippery.

George informs me that a popular technique is to put the script under your pillow so that the words will seep into your brain during sleep, is this ture? He also suggests taping various lines to chickens, ducks or lambs while herding them (George grew up on a rather underwhelming farm). Apparently this helped him achieve an A* in GCSE German.

Do you have any tips of your own? I do hope so.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Alan Titchmarsh…

Green fingered superman

—

Dear Alan,

As well as being a wonderful garden-smith I believe you are also quite adept with words? My friend George is a great fan of your fiction, indeed he often buys two copies of your works so that one can remain pristine on the shelf.

I am writing today however to ask for your assistance. I am composing a poem for the occasion of George’s graduation (he has been taking an Open University course in Metallurgy) and am stuck searching for a word. Could you help? I need a word to finish off the rhyme below. It should have darker tones.

You’re success in this makes you such a boffin,
You’ll always be great until you lie in your…

Let me know your thoughts, green fingered superman.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Leona Lewis…

Does she really have the X-factor?

—

Dear Leona,

How do you take your sandwiches? I only ask as my therapist’s niece is interested in becoming a successful soul diva and I felt it might be prudent for her to start eating the snacks of the stars. So, do you eat crusts? Do you cut them in squares or triangles? Do you prefer real butter or a spread such as Olivio? If you could let me know that would be great. Alternatively you may wish to take a photo of a typical sandwich you might eat and attach it to an email. I am often too busy to read in the mornings so this might be best.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

 

Dear Christopher Biggins…

Dear Christopher,

Last night I had a dream so realistic that if it hadn’t involved my being served by a Unicorn in Millets, I’d swear it had actually happened. The reason I am passing this information to you, is because in my dream I  witnessed your good self purchasing a home-sauna from a popular television shopping channel. The sauna, it must be said, was poorly constructed and featured a wood-cladding I’ve only previously seen in Blackpool’s brothels. I once had a premonition in a dream (I saw my friend George put diet lemonade in his trolley instead of the full-fat variety, an action he did in fact fulfil only days later) and thought this could be similar. Please don’t by the sauna Christopher – you’re too good for it. You really are.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Jeremy Vine…

Dear Jeremy,

I am a huge fan of your radio show (I made myself a t-shirt that says ‘I heart Jeremy Vine’ featuring your full broadcasting schedule), however i have some minor problems with your production that I have listed below. I hope you would like to discuss them.

– Your jingles are, at best, generic.
– Sometimes you use colloquial terms which do not befit your standing as a broadcasting goliath.
– I don’t like that woman that does the traffic.

Please send any responses through to me with ‘RESPONSES FOR HERBERT’ in the subject line to ensure I do not disregard them and think you rude for not replying.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Toby Anstis…

Dear Toby,

I was watching Torchwood the other week alone (my friend George, who often accompanies me in the evening prefers Poldark) when I realised I had several witty, amusing and interesting comments to make. Unfortunately, no one was there to share them with, which made me sad. I thought you might be interested in receiving an email breakdown of my comments after each show? I know you are a fan (I once saw you reading the blurb for an episode in a right-wing national newspaper while waiting for a bus in Kilburn) and I have always liked your style.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Kym Marsh…

Dear Kym,

Thank you for your kind letter of 20th February, and apologies for my delay in responding. I must say however, I was surprised to find you managing the local Budgens (though even in your Hear’Say days, I always felt your eyes longed more for retail than stardom). I apologise for my behaviour, and that of my cohort George around the incident in question. We were not aware that the child was blind, nor did we understand the consequences of us purchasing every remaining bottle of water in your store. As a good will gesture George and I have both donated £5 to the local hospital, and will be shopping elsewhere from now on.

I hope you accept my apologies, as I am rather alarmed that you felt you needed to write in the first place. Nonetheless, your words are not being ignored, and coming from such an esteemed Princess of Pop turned Soap Sultana I will ensure they are noted on a post-it on my writing desk.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

P.S. I responded to the address on your letter, but wanted to ensure that the message reached you post haste. Ironically, exactly what the post it not (!).

Dear Danny Wallace…

Dear Danny,

In your book, ‘Yes Man’ you answer in the affirmative to things you might otherwise decline all in the name of entertainment and an ongoing publishing deal. My friend George and I have a similar idea: we intend to spend an entire week being incredibly rude to people, where normally we might be quite pleasant. For example, we thought we would blank the checkout girl at Sainsbury’s supermarket when she asks us for our Nectar Card or maybe leave revolving doors spinning far too fast for any normal person to enter.

As you have experience of this kind of endeavour, we thought you might be able to impart some of your experience, or indeed offer any suggestions you have for people to be rude to. We feel Chris Tarrant would be good subject.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow