Dear Roberto Mancini…

Dear Roberto,

My friend George, a cat called Nemesis (he is owned by neither of us) and myself have just watch your Manchester City side win the League. WELL DONE. You must have yourself a celebratory fist pump when you get a moment alone. In the mean time however, I do hope you’ll consider a nicer tie.

Ciao,
—
H. Rumbelow 

Dear Jessie J…

Dear Jessica,

My friend George and I have spent the last few weeks locked in a holiday cottage in the Quantocks sifting data from the last 10 years of Daily Telegraph crosswords. You may be saddened and surprised to hear that ‘J’ is the least used letter across all these puzzles. ‘Gutted’. Our methodology for this was sound (we counted, but in our heads) so you should take this information unseasoned (i.e. without a pinch of salt). 

Yours
—
H. Rumbelow