Dear Rageh Omaar…

Dear Rageh

What ho?! I’ve been meaning to write for a while, but have been unable to find a slot in my diary until now. Unfortunately the slot is only short and so I must keep this email brief. I apologise for this but with a busy schedule to stick to, I cannot get behind lest I end up missing my slot to catch up with CSI later. That really would be a shame, as I need to explain the plot to George later who often gets mixed-up with important plot points.

Anyway, onto my reason for writing. I would like to know if you have any memories from the age of 2 years or earlier? I am considering compiling a database of early memories from around the world and would like to have some celebrity endorsement if possible? If you would like to take part do send me some memories marked on a time-line of your early life (please illustrate if possible).

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Bernard Cribbins…

Dear Bernie,

How are you getting on? I’m fine, thank you for asking.

Would you be interested in looking at a script I have written? You may consider yourself a bit of a left-field choice, and I admit you are, but I feel the piece would be something you could have a lot of input into. It is about a cat living at the time of the reformation who invents a new calendar but finds it difficult to convince anyone else to adopt it. It ends with the cat jumping from a tall building, ridden with angst.

If you could let me know of your interest in my project I can supply the script in a variety of formats.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr David Walliams…

He’s surprisingly tall you know…

—

Dear David,

I believe in God. Not in the literal sense of course, but in the sense that I wish to believe someone was responsible for editing The Bible. Due to this I attend Church with my friend George on the third Sunday of every month (on the first Sunday we lunch with my mother, the second Sunday we help run a car-boot sale and the final Sunday is a day of rest). In order to raise funds for a new font we have both been asked to come up with some fundraising ideas and thought that you might be able to help. Did you consider many things before deciding to swim Le Manche? I always pictured you as a sponsored silence kind of guy. Also, do you have any advice on sponsorship form design?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Piers Morgan…

Dear Piers,

My mother continues to pronounce your name ‘Pears’ like the shape of my sister. Would you please be so kind as to respond with either a) a phonetic spelling of your name to prove her wrong or b) an audio recording of yourself or a respected actor (e.g. Robert Powell) reading a sentence containing your name. One example I am fond of is: “I think Piers Morgan is terribly unlikely to organise a ‘Donkey Derby’ in his own garden”.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ainsley Harriot

Dear Ainsley,

We know from experience that fortune favours the brave. Unfortunately, while I am brave in many arenas (I once handled a ferret WITHOUT gloves) I am terribly cowardly when it comes to the kitchen. Believe it or not despite standing at 5ft 10 in my slippers I am wary of putting chopped vegetables (e.g. sweet potato, mange tout or turnip) into boiling water. Sometimes I even ask my friend George to do it which is unfair because he is temporarily on crutches. Do you have any tips that might help? Maybe you could also suggest a good recipe for George to enjoy when he recovers from his mis-shapen ankle. Nothing containing wheat however.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Pauline Quirke…

Dear Pauline,

As Ronan Keating once sang ‘Life is a Rollercoaster’ – though thankfully without the long queues and height restrictions. I have most recently come to note this observation when, in the space of 2 days, I experienced the up of my first flaming sambuca (a side-effect of meeting my friend George’s niece for dinner) and the down of the morning after.

I was wondering therefore, if you had any tips not for curing hangovers, but for experiences that could match the high of that fiery spirit without the alcohol related issues. If you could make your response nice and short that would be ideal as I am currently quite busy, and have vowed not to read more than 3 lines of any email.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Russell Brand…

The best engineered hair in showbiz…

—

Dear Russell,

How often do you eat eggs? Also, what is your preferred method of preparation for an egg? My friend George reckons on you being a scrambled man (he was referring to eggs rather than you  being ‘mental’; I double checked and have the MSN records to prove it) while I am convinced that you once told Richard Madely, during an interview, of your penchant for dipping a soldier in the boiled variety.

I am keen to know sooner rather than later for no reason other than it bothers me intensely.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

P.S. Where do you buy your shirts?

Dear Katie Price nee Jordan…

Dear Katie Price nee Jordan,

I am one of a growing number of individuals who feel that too little emphasis is put on children learning debating skills at school. As a world class mother with a terrier like instinct for what is good and proper (or so says my good friend George, he has had a soft spot for you since he learned you like Horlicks) I thought you might lend your support to this cause? Imagine a future where children cannot rigorously chide each other with witty and informed banter? What kind of future would that be? The future of Zimbabwe, and we don’t want that.

If you might consider autographing a napkin or other lightweight item I will take this as a binding contract of your support. Reply with the following code (8679) so I can send on my postal address (the code is to stop Peter Andre intercepting this message – although I would appreciate his support also, we have filled the male contingent as things stand, I don’t want to cause unnecessary embarrassment.)

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear McFly…

Dear McFly,

Sorry for referring to you as a collective and not writing individually, but I am limited on time in this Internet Cafe as my tea took longer to cool than expected. My question is a simple one : do you have any Scottish heritage and if so, do you have a McFly tartan? I ask as I am looking to order a series of thermos flasks for friends and family and thought that an additional treat for many of them would be cladding their flask in the official tartan of their favourite pop combo (not my friend George however, he prefers the work of 90’s girl band Hepburn).

Do send me a sketch of a McFly tartan if you can, or a description in no more than 50 words.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Holly Willoughby…

The loveliest lovely this side of Horsham…

—

Dear Holly,

I read an article recently that suggested people’s personalities are often influenced by their name. Do you think this to be true?

I know that my friend George is nothing like the effeminate hippo who found fame on Rainbow, while I don’t like chives. I wondered if you were particularly keen on Christmas for example, or were a prickly, envious person off camera? If not I will lay this matter to rest, so I would appreciate your response as promptly as possible. I am currently keeping notes on this matter on a pad that I would rather use to record my badger watching.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow