Dear Novak Djokovic…

Dear Kim,

Well done on your tennis exploits! Given you are proven to be the world’s top tennis ace (joke courtesy of my friend George, who also suggested I offer you some ‘deuce’ to quench your thirst, but I felt this was stronger) I wanted to ask your help with a project I am running.

The project, tentatively titled ‘How far can you hit that trout?’ is a scientific look at the ability of animals to fly. We have successfully researched the effects on a mole of being strapped to a paper aeroplane and the exploits of an orangutan with a Flymo however neither were successful. We now want to try the titular experiment with a trout, and wondered if you’d help out? We’ll wrap the trout (dead) in loads and loads of cling film so don’t worry about damage to your racquet. We will be there to assist with towels.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

What’s the difference between a Rhinoceros and a post box?

One is the term used to group five extant species of odd-toed ungulate characterised by a large horn protruding from the nose. The other is a publicly available silo for storing posted items (letters, postcards etc) until such time the postal service can collect them for onward delivery.

Dear Colin Firth…

Dear Colin,

My friend George and I have spent the past week and a half (with a brief rest for yoga) developing ideas for an album called ‘London Colin’. It’s a concept piece based on The Clash’s seminal work but telling the story of your life set against a range of London suburbs. We’re using Stanmore, Loughton and Herne Hill for the vast majority of the project, but there is one song set in Enfield. Sorry.

The final piece of the puzzle, is the cover, which we think i rather clever. We want to use a satellite image of one of the Scotland’s finer Firths (you being the finest of course). But which would you prefer? Forth, Clyde, Moray?

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

What’s brown and sticky?

Poo, marmite, melted brown plastic, certain qualities of blood, old sellotape, overly-warm Maltesers, sweaty horses and chestnuts dipped in glue.

Dear Harrison Ford…

Dear Harrison,

Would you like to learn karate? I have recently requested a subscription to a new magazine: “Karate: A Right Kerfuffle In The Right Hands”. It’s a 72 part series authored in the UAE, and features a kimono with part one. While I cannot offer you a kimono, I was hoping you might like to engage with me in correspondence so that I can teach you the basics of this fine art? I suggest this is done via a)cartoons rendered in chalk, b)audio delivered on cassette tapes and c)regular conference calls between yourself, myself and former President Bill Clinton, who I also hope to involve.

If you would like to take part, no further discussion is necessary and I will contact you in good time. However if you wish to take no further part, a fruit basket or equivalent would be appreciated.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

PS. I will be offering a course in Aikido later in the year.

Welcome to 2011!

Good year ladies and gentlereaders, I hope you saw in 2011 in suitably fun and frivolous fashion. I spent the evening with George, and a selection of his neighbours drinking good whiskey and trying to recall every Olympic 100m champion in order (with George’s neighbour Ellery sketching some of them on his brand new iPad).

In the coming year, I hope to be more active online than I was in 2010, and I hope my acquisition of a)super speedy broadband, b)a desk and c)a 1kg bag of chocolate raisins will aid in this. Here’s to a good 12 months…