Dear Will.i.am

Dear Bill,

How big is your eye? 

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Rowan Williams…

Dear Rowan,

As promised, here is the outline of the film I would like you to make a cameo appearance in now that you will have more free time on your hands. It is called ‘Juice Busters’ and it follows the antics of two buddies in the police force who raid juice bars across Europe, much in the way the Americans raided speak-easys in the prohibition era. In this case of course, juice making is not illegal, which is where you come in. The gist is that Jesus hated juice and thus, on a moral level, juice bars should be shut down. The characters will wear crosses on chains to make it clear they like Jesus. 

I would like you to appear in the opening scene explaining all of this. Also, I need some research done into whether or not Jesus did in fact like juice. If it turns out he hated milk, we can target milkshake shacks. 

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow 

Dear Harry Redknapp…

Dear Harry,

To what extent do you agree with the statement: “Without a man to sweep the stairs, the fabric of society is broken in twain”?

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow 

Dear Martin Freeman…

Dear Martin,

This is just a quick note to remind you that Mrs Peregrine’s birthday is on Friday. I still see her regularly and she talks fondly of you. Willie, her Parrot still mimics that catchphrase of yours ‘Do you want milky milky tea?’ whenever I go round. They would both love it if you would write. 

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow