Dear Meghan Trainor…

Dear Meghan,

Do you think it would be possible to train a lobster as an office assistant? My friend George (something of a whizz with a stapler) is convinced that the dual-clawed crustacean would make a rather wonderful ‘In’ and ‘Out’ tray: those items that need to be done clasped tight in the right claw, those items that have been recently completed clamped solid in the left. We wonder if, aside from these duties, you could also use it as a paper weight (once dry).

We would welcome your thoughts on this and, if they’re suitable, we may also ask you what we could do with a bag full of coral (please DO NOT reference this in any response).

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Gareth Bale…

Dear Gareth B,

It can’t have failed to escape your notice that your name, when written backwards, is ‘elabh terag‘ which – if I’m not mistaken (I have been mistaken seven times since records began) is the Welsh name for that phenomenon when you can’t remember if you’ve actually locked the front door or turned off the oven or fed the kids and you worry about it just enough to ruin your evening, but not enough to actually do anything about it.

Well done.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Chris Rock…

Dear Chris,

If I were to cut you in half (which I have no desire to do, other than with kindness), do you have ‘CHRIS’ written all the way through?

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow