Dear Lionel Messi…

Dear Lionel Messi,

Do you own a set of maracas? I own a set of maracas (in fact I own nine) and while I shake away over a morning brunch (muffins, toasted) I often wonder what is inside. Do you? Along with my friend George (who insists on spelling it ‘marrakers’) we have made a shortlist of the most likely contents:

1. Hardened gummi-bears
2. Frozen peas (along with, presumably, a freezing mechanism?)
3. Chipped concrete
4. Tiny little eggs
5. Big sand

What do you reckon?

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Are you a pole vaulter?

Yes! Is that an assumption based on my Ukrainian athletics tracksuit and muscular upper body, or are you a keen fan of the sport?

Dear Adele…

Dear Adele,

The budgie is in ascendance, I repeat the budgie is in ascendance.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

PS. If you’ve forgotten the importance of this phrase, then ignore it.