The only man who’s PM before noon…
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Dear Gordon,
My friend George and I were throwing around amusing nicknames for the great and good last night after X-factor, and came up with a wonderful one for you: Gordon The Gaffer. Do you like it? If so, I might be able to print up a t-shirt with the name on, and possibly a crayon drawing of a gopher with your hair.
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Jo,
Do you know anything about bird-feeders? I am in the market for one to help out my avian friends as winter draws in, but don’t really know when to start. I asked around a group of friends in my Creative Writing group and your name kept coming up as someone who might be able to point me in the right direction. I really hope you can!
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Ricky,
As one of the funnier men on television, I wonder if I could ask your opinion on something? Which of he following situations is more amusing: a dog being bathed in ice cream by a Beefeater, a selection of cheeses modelled to represent charicatures of the head of states of each member state of the EU or a ptarmigan pooing on pop sensation Seal?
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Simon,
As the nation’s favourite Judge, I was wondering if you could undertake an adjudication for me:
My friend George and I have both recorded versions of the 1971 Badfinger track ‘Day After Day’ – I in an instrumental version led by kazoo, George in a soulful rendition with his ukulele. We wondered if you might be able to give us the benefit of your wisdom as to how good the recordings are? I can email you Mp3 files if you like or George and I could arrange a time to come and perform in your garden.
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Talented man with a pig skin…
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Dear Rio,
Are you named after the city in Brazil and therefore do you like Brazil nuts? My friend George thought this might be the case, but I am unsure. That said, we both once made the acquaintance of a gentleman named Gordon Berlin, and he enjoyed Walnuts. Tenuous I’ll admit, but true nonetheless.
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Jilly,
I’ll be frank, I’m confused. I don’t know pasta etiquette and thought that with your background you might be able to help. While my friend George will serve Bolognaise with Farfalle or a hot Ragu with Macaroni willy-nilly, I aim to be a little more refined. Obviously one can put Spaghetti with Carbonara, but is it OK to make a Lasagne carbonara? Further, George likes to experiment with his Pasta sauces using jars of Peanut butter, honey, Marmite, chocolate sprinkles and glue amongst much else in his culinary concoctions. Is he possibly unstable, or is this creative flare with pasta normal?
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Alex,
I haven’t seen you on my TV screen for quite a while now, is there a reason for this? My friend George supposes that maybe you are on an archaeological dig in the Andes, or possibly waiting for a package at home and will return to our living rooms soon. I however think that you have given up your career in the media to become a teacher of languages overseas somewhere. South or Central America I think would suit you. What is the truth Alex?
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear ‘the cast of Hollyoaks’
I am interested in speaking with a genuine TV star and wondered if any of you would be interested. My friend George is a fan of the show and suggested I contact you as you are relatively popular but not of the standard of many proper shows and so probably still keen to add to your exposure. I haven’t actually seen your work but I understand that it largely revolves around custody battles and slappings.
My reasons for wanting to meet a genuine TV star must remain secret for now, but any members of your troupe with an interest in cookery (particularly pastry) are most welcome.
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
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Dear Lily,
I recently received a package addressed to a Miss L. Allen, and I wondered if it might be you? It came to my PO Box in Victoria, London and I wondered if you had previously used this for a craftwork business or correspondence with a secret lover? The package is wrapped in plain brown paper and is almost a cube, but not quite (My friend George measured it with a ruler). If it is for you, I might be able to convey it to you, though I am booked up next Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday and in Turkey the week after,
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Steve,
I have just purchased an iPod music player from you and would like to congratulate you on a most marvellous item of machinery. I thought you might be interested in some of the uses I have found for it – maybe you could publish them in a leaflet to be included in your next manufacturing run?
I have loaded several animals calls onto the device, and have recently used them to woo animals at London Zoo into better positions for capturing photographs. What do you think? I can send you pictures of the Tapir if this would be of interest.
Yours,
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Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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