Dear Daniel Radcliffe…

Dear Daniel (nee Harry),

I have never read a Harry Potter book, or seen a Harry Potter film, nor browsed a Harry Potter website or bought a Harry Potter wig. However, I have (and I would underline this if I knew how) recently come into possession of a Harry Potter branded ocarina. It would be most helpful if you could come and rid me of it as soon as possible. It tastes of mouldy kumquats when blown.

I will have cake waiting (Jam Rowling-Poly).

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow