Dear Ian Hislop…

Dear Ian,

I am creating an artwork made entirely out of Ugg boots. In total there will be over 1000 individual boots making up a monochrome rendering of ‘Nanook of the North’ – I intend to house this on my allotment.

I am writing to you to see if you would be interested in ‘wearing-in’ some of the boots? I do not wish to use pristine footwear for this project and thought that you might be willing to help with this. I have already convinced Boris Johnson to help me out.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Bernard Matthews…

Dear Bernard,

I am a fan of your turkey-tastic offerings, but have one small suggestion if I may. Give each of the Turkeys in your products a name. This name could be printed on the front of the Turkey ham packet, or Turkey drum stick box making the purchase of your meat products superior to any others on the market.

You could even get children to provide crayon drawings of the Turkeys and feature these as collectable sticker packs.

Yours,
—

Dear Jo Brand…

Dear Jo,

Have you ever been to Cambodia? I have not, and as such am looking to add a section to Wikipedia listing all people who have never been to Cambodia. Would you fit into this list? If not, don’t worry as I will soon be making another list ‘People who own more than one Robert Harris book’ – so you can be included in that if a trip to Waterstones is easier to fit into your schedule than a trip overseas.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Donnie Osmond…

Dear Donnie,

Was it you I saw purchasing a Caramac on The King’s Road last week?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Hugh Grant…

Dear Hugh,

I have recently come into possession of an allotment, and am unsure what to do next (I put my name down by mistake thinking I was signing a petition to bring back the water vole to my local area – incidentally, a cause I now no longer believe in).

Do you have any thoughts? Maybe I could rent the space as a pet cemetery. Alternatively, I could lease plots for time capsules (guaranteed for 18 months +). What do you think? Your opinion on this matter is most important to me.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Madonna…

Dear Madonna,

I had a dream about you last night. In it you were the heiress to a large canned food fortune, and a keen horticulturist intent on producing your own unique species of banana. You were also the owner of a bright pink Triumph Dolomite with melons instead of wheels! Finally, as the dream drew to a close you asked me if I would like to assist you in creating a mosaic likeness of Natalie Imbruglia using only peeled grapes. I declined.

Does this have any basis in reality? Is there any specific reason why so much of the dream would be fruit based?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Roger Black…

Dear Roger,

I am concerned for my health having recently found myself out of breath following a prolonged attempt at opening a tin of lychees. I wish to regain the fitness of my youth (though not the lack of body hair!) and thought you could help.

Would you be so kind as to send me a list of your top 3 exercises? These should be easy to fit around my bongo lessons and require limited extra equipment. I do have a perfectly serviceable tracksuit however – it has tiger stripes on the arms. If you need any help, you are welcome to contact a cohort (John Regis or Derek Redmond would be fine, NOT Kriss Akabusi).

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear all…

Dear all,

I will be taking a brief holiday (only for a week or so, fret not) and wanted to ensure that you would be aware of my absence. I will endeavour to send a couple of postcards while away, but am largely intent on starting my notes for a comic book version of Dante’s Inferno.

Yours,
H. Rumbelow

Dear Dwayne Chambers…

Dear Dwayne,

I recently won a ‘trolley dash’ at a raffle held to mark the passing of the great Wendy Richards. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to dash anywhere right now, as I sprained my ankle trying to catch up with a man whom I believed to be Terry Waite (it wasn’t, but he was very helpful in calling me a taxi to take me to hospital).

Given my state of incapacity, would you like to run the dash for me? In return for your help, I would allow you to pick 7 (seven) items for yourself on the dash, though the rules state that this must not include items of organic produce, any items from the fish counter or any of the rotisserie chickens.

Yours,
—

Dear Amy Winehouse…

Dear Amy,

I have designed you some slippers. Would you like them? They feature a picture of an eagle on the sole and the outline of Mount Rushmore on the toe. They are pink. They have been worn exactly nine times (indoors only and a brief jog to the shops).

Let me know if you would like them.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow