Dear Frank,
Have you ever bribed a municipal official in order to get away with a minor misdemeanour? I’m thinking more having the wrong hedge-type, rather than runnning over a man (or child). My friend George was recently pulled up over his insistence to use oversized stamps, instead of regulation sized stamps on all postage to the council. These were sometimes only a few millimetres larger in size, but often were scaled up to as much as a metre squared.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Andy,
If you owned a blue house, with a blue door that housed a blue letterbox; and if you drove a blue car -with blue trimmed seats and blue ice-scraper in the (blue) glove-box; and if your garden contained a blue swing and blue slide and a blue bird table scattered with blue peanuts; and if your shoes were blue, and your hat was blue and you sometimes painted the palms of your hands blue – would you be depressed?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Nigella.
Can you shed any light on the history of whaling?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Neil,
What experience do you have in web-domain registration? My friend George and I are keen to secure a ‘dot com’ for a little project of ours we call ‘Is It Racist?’ and thought you might have the necessary technical skills, what with your haircut.
The aim of the site is to ‘crowdsource’ (George looked it up online, it means ‘ask’) opinion from visitors as to whether certain statements, thoughts, ideas, or iconography are indeed racist. For example, ‘I want to hug a narwhal’ would probably not be considered racist while ‘I won’t employ that individual solely for reasons of race’ might score highly.
We intend to further create spin-offs under the umbrellas “Is It Sexist?”, “Is it Stupid?” and “Is It Something Henry Winkler Could Get Away With Saying (in character as the Fonz or not)”
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Jack,
I have recently finished the first part of my literary trilogy “Peril of the Toreador” – a third person narrative exploring cumulative anguish against a backdrop of the Spanish Civil War. It is largely designed to stimulate creative thinking in 3 – 6 year olds. I have included an excerpt below, I would most enjoy your feedback:
“Juan fingered the gored stomach of the bull, the oozing blood warm on his callous hands. It reminded him of jam, strawberry jam that he had spread on the breasts of Camille Sauvage in sunny fields near Marseilles, where neither ants nor her screams would stop him…”
What do you think?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Andrew,
Have you ever startled a crab?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Usain,
Have you ever been potholing (pronounced ‘pot [pause] holing’, not ‘poth-o-ling’ as my friend George insists)? If not, I think you’d find it most marvellous.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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