Dear Claudia Schiffer…

Dear Claudia,

What is your favourite anagram of your name? I assume it must be ‘Deal Is Chair Cuff’, but my friend George (a man who does his crosswords with a pencil) reckons it’s probably ‘I Search A Cuff Lid’.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Lord Lucan

Dear Lord Lucan,

If, somewhere, you are still with us and still able to read (physically rather than mentally) then I have a message to which to you I would like to impart per se and it is thus: do you still  have your moustache? My friend George told me he wouldn’t do the washing up until ‘Lucan shaves off his moustache’ and I would very much like to get him into some marigolds.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Dave Gorman…

Dear Dave,

I went to see you in concert last year. During the show, you were wearing a rather fetching pair of trousers and I would very much like to know where you got them. I cannot give you the exact date or location of the show, nor any specific details about the trousers, but I trust you will know which ones I mean.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

How many architects does it take to change a light-bulb?

Just one, like anyone else. Sometimes you might have someone to hold a chair steady if the light-bulb is higher up but ultimately they are not assisting in the change itself. Similarly, someone else may have purchased the light-bulb, or may even hand it to the architect, but ultimately it is him and him alone who will screw the bulb in place. For those interested in statistics, this activity is performed with a 99.9%+ success rate by individuals acting alone irrelevant of their background, personality traits or profession.

Dear Sebastian Coe…

Dear Lord Coe,

The word on the street (figuratively I mean, there is no graffiti in my area) is that you are looking for someone to offer their services in lighting the Olympic flame? If this is the case, I would like to put myself forward and offer my 5-ring gas hob as proof of my ability to take on this job with confidence. The hob, a Siemens EP716QB91E Gas Hob in Black, has served me well over the years heating soup, spaghetti hoops and water in equal measure for breakfasts, lunches and dinners. If you would like to take me up on this offer, please give me due notice to clean everything adequately.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Benedict Cumberbatch

Dear Benedict,

There are, I’m sure you’re aware, only a limited number of egg-laying mammals in this world. This, I contend, is a shame and it’s something I’d like to fix. Now, we’ve got the Echidna, and we’ve got the Platypus and soon, if I have anything to do with it, we’ll also have the Oberike. The Oberike is a tree dwelling mammal who uses the long since vacated nests of birds to bring their eggs to term and feeds on leaves, grubs and discarded sandwiches. They have blonde fur.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this? Well, I’d like you to supply the eggs.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow

Dear Mit Romney…

Dear Mit,

I’m concocting a new soft drink that I hope to market to the masses, and I was wondering if you would like to be part of the corresponding marketing campaign? The drink – Rug Juice – is not as you might a imagine a mixture of common elements most often found in rugs i.e. fluff, crumbs and miscellaneous bits of thread but a delicious marriage of Passion Fruit and Lime. Obviously these alone would not make a drink, and so to these mashed and pulped ingredients is added fizzy water (Perrier). I hope to sell the can in a green tin with a picture of a fez on the side. I would also like to include a quote from you. Something along the lines of “Wow, Rug Juice – so swell!” would be, well, just swell (!). If you would like to cooperate, do let me know. If not, then I would like nothing more to do with you.

Yours,
—
H. Rumbelow