Dear Natasha,
There is a bagel shaped very much like your husband in my local bakery. Would you like me to buy it for you to give to him as a present (I suspect it could be preserved until Christmas)? If so, I will require you to fund the purchase in advance as I have suffered issues of non-payment before (ask Moira Stewart for details).
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Jonathan,
I know you must be terribly busy right now, but your recent media coverage reminded of something very important – you still have my lawn mower!
Let me explain, as I know this may seem odd to you. In the summer of 1996 I lent my lawn-mower to Bernard Cribbins who lived next door at the time. I soon moved away, forgetting the mower, but on contacting Bernie some years later discovered he had given it to Scope as part of a clear out. Further investigation by my friend George (I was tied up with my tax return) led him to discover that Jeff Banks had purchased the lawn mower direct from Scope to give to you as a birthday present. I thought this sounded odd but a brief look at your lawn in recent press pictures confirms the story.
I am happy for you to keep the mower (you seem to be making great use of it!) but would ask you return it to Scope should you buy a new one, or lose your lawn.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Ex-Spice / 5
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Dear Victoria,
There are few things more annoying than the sound of imbeciles chattering on the bus or train. Just this morning I was travelling by bus when the two girls sat behind me stopped my enjoyment of the Stephen Fry Podgram by discussing your bosom. Could you ask them to stop?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Peter,
Do you remember Pogs? I have a rather large collection of the collectable discs that has, until recently, been under my bed. I would now like to get them out from under my bed and so, I am contacting you. Fret not Peter, I don’t want you to buy them (though you can if you wish – for you I will waive P&P). What I would like is a quote from you to push the sales of the Pogs. I intend to run classified ads limited to 50 words so if you could keep it brief that would be appreciated.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Dick,
How often do you find yourself drinking milk? I think you to be a steady milk drinker, though my friend George reckons you are closer to a lactose intolerant (to be clear, he does not think you are lactose intolerant, just a non-milk drinker. Like someone who despises leather shoes but isn’t vegan.)
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Her Highness Helen…
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Dear Dame Helen,
I found a mouse in my kitchen last night and it looked very much like you! Would you like me to send it to you? I am not sure if you collect effigies of your good self (I know Maggie Smith does, but I understand your preferences could differ). I also have a fried egg (slightly tarnished) that looks like Brian Blessed which he has declined to receive if you would like that.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Full of fun.
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Dear Pat,
You are world renowned for having fun, I would therefore like to invite you to our local fete where we hope you will increase the level of fun by 1 or 2 degrees. Don’t get me wrong, the fete is not terrible, but it can drag somewhat since we were told we could no longer run the ‘Donkey Derby’. I don’t care much for the flower beds myself, but I guess that’s democracy.
Will you be able to make it? It is in June 2010. Do let me know and I’ll pencil you in (though we are waiting to hear from Dave Benson Philips and I don;t think we can accommodate both of you – Mrs Wilson’s car is only a Renault).
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Emma,
My friend George says ‘Every little thing she does is magic, every little thing just turns me on’ about you. I find this slightly degrading, but am intrigued by your experience as a conjurer. Do you perform with doves, or simply card tricks? I had an uncle (friend of the family who owned a caravan park) who once kept doves but had to sell them to pay a gambling debt. Would you be so kind as to let me know when I can see you in ‘Paul Daniels’ mode?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear William,
I found an iPod with ‘property of william’ engraved on the back while on the train to Tadcaster last week. Is it yours? I would have handed it to train security but I don’t trust them as far as I can throw them since privatisation (not far, after my fall).
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Steve,
I enjoy a game of scrabble now and again (indeed I am currently playing scrabble, and will do so once more this evening at my weekly scrabble night) – do you? I am looking for personalities to play a charity game against and when I pulled ‘K, O, U, G, E, N, N,’ from the bag at the start of this game I considered it fate.
Would you be willing and able to take part? If you feel that your scrabble skills are not up to speed I wouldn’t want to embarrass you, I am rather good.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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