To Simon Amstell

An email to minor star Simon Amstell

Dear Simon,

I’ve got a question for you: How many Simon Amstell’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I believe just one, as you are a very talented individual but my cleaning lady hazarded 3.

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

To Dane Bowers

An email to man, Dane Bowers

Dear Dane,

I hope you are well. I was in discussion with a friend last night who said that you were in the band Blue, and not in fact Another Level as I suggested. I would look this up on the internet but wikipedia is currently down for maintenance.

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

To Kate Nash…

An email sent to popstress Kate Nash:

Dear Kate,

I’m a huge fan of your music and was wondering if you would be playing in the Scottish islands any time soon? I myself am based in The Shetlands for a while until my kitchen is refitted.

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

So Long 2007, Hello year of

I mooted in earlier posts that I have great plans for 2008 when it comes to improving my knowledge of celebrities and other notable people who walk this planet.

To this end I will be undertaking a project to better  get to know all manner of people. I will be doing this largely by email as funds and ease of access permit, and will in many cases have to guess the email address of my appointed subject. It is my theory at any rate that 78% of individuals are in possession of an email address that reads firstnamesurname@hotmail.com or firstname.surname@gmail.com or firstnamemiddleinitialsurname@yahoo.com, or a variation on these themes. Instead of searching for further details therefore, I will be assuming these kind of addresses to be accurate in my correspondence.

I will post some example emails I have been toying with in the tail end of 2007 now. Unfortunately I am yet to receive any replies, but I do live in hope. Enjoy!

Until then, have a lovely new year!

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

Christmas Has Finished!

So finally it relents, for another year at least. Christmas hangs its brand new winter coat (bought part in cash, part in vouchers, and topped up with some nectar points) on the back of the door and retires inside to eat Dundee cake by the fire.

I had a wonderful Christmas this year. Knowing I was not making the trip to see father in Djibouti, George invited me to visit his aunt in Rutland where we enjoyed a feast of goose, parsnips and seasonal vegetables. Conversation flowed as quickly as the Schloer and we ended the afternoon with a trip to the local  Morrisons to recycle our Christmas wrapping. George suggested that next year we don’t bother with wrapping, but like so many great ideas, that will be easier said than done.

I am recuperating now until the new year, at which point I will be tentatively launching my own brand of fun on the world! You can read more about my project below and rest assured I will provide full rules, regulations and appendices on the subject before the year is out!

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

PS. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank George for the lovely picture of the moon and crab cakes.

Why Did The Snowman Wear A Hat?

During the run up to the Christmas period, I earn a few extra pennies composing witty and amusing mottos for insertion into Christmas crackers. My penmanship has found its way into no fewer than 9 of the UK’s top 250 cracker packs over the last decade and I thought it might be nice to share one or two of my favourites. Of course, these were written for deadlines back in August (the cracker manufacturing process is notoriously involved) and I am yet to discover whether they will be falling into the lap (or flying into the gravy!) of families the length and breadth of the country.

My personal favourite this year is a little gag on the subject of snowmen:

Why did the snowman wear a hat? Because he wanted to keep his ears warm.

Another joke, for which I have a soft spot is this:

How many reindeers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to smash the lightbulb with a callous hoof, one to join him in making a din until their keepers come and sweep up the broken glass and replace the bulb. So technically two, and their guardian, whomever that may be.

I hope you enjoyed my little pieces. If you are interested in writing jokes for crackers, I hope to publish a pamphlet in time for next years submissions deadlines, so do watch this space.

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow

Christmas is coming…

…and the goose is getting fat. Or so my mother used to tell me. To be honest I haven’t seen a goose in a good long while, so if anything it has faded into nothing rather than reached corpulent levels of obesity. But I digress… Christmas is indeed coming, and that means a New Year will be just around the corner. I would like now to state my intent for 2008, and hope you will join me in my little resolution.

I enjoy the efforts of many celebrities, some famous, some not so famous and I would like to let them know of my admiration. To this end, I intend to email a celebrity every day (time permitting of course, George sometimes requires a session of Rummikub to while away a desperate afternoon) with questions, notes and general words of encouragement.

More details of my little project will be posted in the coming days, but until then, goodbye!

Yours,

Herbert Rumbelow