Dear Courtney,
How is the Tarmacadam job on your driveway? Mine is shoddy to say the least (it crumbled like an oatcake), and I’m looking for some decent word of mouth recommendations. Obviously, I thought of you first.
I am looking for a smooth, rather than grainy finish, and would ideally like any workmen to be BTEC educated and/or own a tractor.
Any help much appreciated (PS I once bought a donut that looked like your face!)
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Thom,
I have built a mechanical rabbit from the husk of a coconut, the packaging from my new fridge and a gift bought for me by my friend George from London’s Science Museum – a book called ‘Build Your Own Mechanical Rabbit From Household Items’ (it comes with a free solenoid). I was hoping the rabbit might be able to make an appearance in one of your upcoming music videos? What do you think? I will ensure he is appropriately shaved for the occasion, and will supply spare batteries.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Lady,
From viewing your recent interviews, and browsing your collected wisdom on MySpace, I am sure that you are no stranger to whelk picking. My friend George (not a lady, or a ‘Lady’) is currently preparing to organise the All England Whelk Picking Festival, which will be held in Cardiff sometime in 2010, and I wondered if you would like to be involved? We thought that maybe you could sing to the whelks (and attendees! – though those with cheaper tickets would be forced to wear ear muffs) or bake a whelk lasagne? We hope this would attract newspaper coverage.
The festival will of course be whelk based, but there is likely to be room for other attractions such as ‘Pig Painting’, ‘Lozenge Moulding’ and research into the most common strains of German Measles.
We can provide hotel accommodation, sustenance for the duration of your stay, and a warm hat.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Neil,
Is there anything more disturbing on God’s green earth than the sound of a clown lactating?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Duncan,
There have been suggestions that you have lived out the last four years of your life as an allegory of the human desire for love. Is this true?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Nicolas,
It has no doubt bothered you for some time that you are missing and ‘H’ from your name. Where you mislaid it I dare not imagine (was it while shaving?), but my friend George (a fervent supporter of the right to strike) thinks he has uncovered it, in a pub near Lewisham. If you would like it back, please send a car to pick it up.
I am however sceptical, given that George also once claimed to have found Michael Jackson’s missing glove in a Lidl near his gran’s flat.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Shane,
Have you (or anyone you have ever met and/or talked to) ever tried to fry a tinned apricot believing it to in fact be a raw egg?
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Roger,
It will be no news to you that your name, when flip-reversed, bears a striking similarity to what is traditionally, an ambassadors favourite confection. Have you ever thought of releasing your own brand of confectionary using this name? I think ‘Federer Roger’, when pronounced correctly, would make a fine addition to anyone’s larder, or indeed themed dinner party.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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