Dear Henry Winkler…

Dear Henry,

Have you made a snowman recently? If so, what did you use for the eyes? I know coal is traditional, but it does cause such a mess (I ruined a Coca-Cola branded bomber jacket last year) and of course, coal rhymes with ‘bowl’, which I do not find satisfactory (as discussed in my Christmas newsletter to you in 1998).

I am planning on building a man of snow, and my current shortlist for eyes is:
1) Plasters (fabric, scrunched)
2) Liquorice Allsorts
3) Blood

What do you think?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Santa…

Dear Santa,

Did you shit in my chimney?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Britney Spears…

Dear Britney,

How’s your Latin? I may have a job for you.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ryan Giggs…

Dear Ryan,

Have you ever promoted the use of glue as a fuel? I found a leaflet on the subject, and thought it would be right up your street. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an honorary member of the ‘Insititute of People Who Think Glue Should Be Used A Fuel’ already, but in case not, I have provided their three top nuggets of info:

1. Glue can be used in cars with the use of a ‘Glue converter’
2. Pound for pound, you can get more energy from glue, than from some woods
3. The Earl of Sandwich toasted his own sandwiches on a glue powered stove

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear JLS…

Dear JLS,

Would you like me to design you a tartan?

I know you are not Scottish (neither am I – though I do own a Proclaimers album), but I felt it might be fun. The tartan could of course be worn as a kilt, trousers or socks, but I thought it might also grace your personal sofas and/or be used to make promotional dog coats. I know several people who would be interested in these (see attached Excel file).

If you’d like to go ahead with this project, just say the word*. I have my ruler at the ready.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

*The word is ‘crumpet’

Dear Nelson Mandela…

Dear Nelson,

You are, I’m sure, a fan of Kermit the Frog. Would you therefore like a purchase a mug painted with Kermit’s likeness (from behind)? It is in very good condition and has only been used once – a mug of bovril. Hot.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Sacha Baron Cohen…

Dear Sacha,

“Hark Ye! Tis the sound of the mighty Quail, Grundig, warbling from his nest in the cold, frozen North”.

Do you think this is an appropriate way for a Bed & Breakfast proprietor to greet guests?

I was staying in an otherwise charming establishment in Frome, when this was bawled as guests came down to breakfast (sausage ad egg in a bap or a continental offering of yoghurt, grapes and cheese)? I was most startled by this, and a lady from Winchester was driven to tears. Figuratively.

What would you have done in the situation? I chose to stay quiet. After all, I did want a runny yolk on my egg.

Yours,
—

Dear Norma Major…

Dear Norma,

When is the best time to collect my metal detector?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow