Dear Charlie Brooker…

Dear Charlie,

I know form your various media projects that you are into TV. Would you like to accompany me, along with my friend George, when we go television shopping in the New Year? We often find shopping quite dull and thought you might be able to add some verve to the day! George also informs me that you are something of a trolley expert (something he read on a toilet door in Camden) and we thought you therefore might also like to accompany us to Sainsburys – we go every month.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Alan Shearer…

He’s (football) crazy

—

Dear Alan,

As one of the foremost, I wonder if you could explain to me the etymology of the term ‘pundit’. My friend George believes it to be a contraction of ‘punned it’ referencing the low quality humour exhibited by many of your ilk (e.g. a red haired player misses a penalty and is described as being ‘as sick as a carrot’).

Is this the reason, or is there something more sinister behind it?

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Mr Bruce Forsyth…

Dear Bruce,

I just wanted to let you know that I do not find it a pleasant experience setting eyes upon you. Setting eyes upon you is an experience I find pleasant, not.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

PS. You wore very nice shoes on TV tonight.

Dear Miss Piggy

Dear Miss Piggy,

Where have you been? I haven’t seen you recently and wonder if maybe you have had a terrible accident with a chip-pan fire or conversion to Islam? My friend George thinks you’ve just lost it, but I can’t believe that would be the case.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Linford Christie

Dear Linford,

Where did you get your name? Is it from the Linford Lakes just north of Milton Keynes? I do hope not, as they are my least favourite lakes in all of the South East; I positively dislike them.

Yours
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Barack Obama…

Dear Barack,

Well done, just well done.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

P.S. Do you think you will release your own line of pyjamas soon?

Dear Miss Anthea Turner…

A domestic cardinal…

—

Dear Anthea,

I recently purchased a second hand apron from Scope (it features a picture of a Maori). While it is fine in most regards, I am perturbed by the grubbiness of the apron strings and have taken to wearing gloves (not oven gloves!!!) when securing the apron in place. Do you have any tips for cleaning them? I would ideally not like to get the item wet, so any cleaning tips that do not require water or milk would be great.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Gordon Ramsay…

Screw you! (that’s a compliment by the way)

—

Dear Gordon,

Do you deal personally with the lost property box in your restaurants? My friend George and I were dining at your pleasure last night (in celebration of his plumbing being fixed) when I left a voucher for a riding lesson on our table – typical. Can you believe I did exactly the same thing in Gary Rhodes restaurant 7 years ago? Madness. Any information you could give me on the whereabouts of my voucher would be much appreciated as I have already washed my jodhpurs.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow