Dear Serena,
Having just watched you win the Australian Open Tennis final, I wanted to comment on your magnificent wrists. Are they your own?! They are obviously very strong – do you think you could lift a buffalo with them? I am currently writing a novella about the first woman to swim across The Bosphorus, and I will be modelling her wrists on your own.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Andrew,
Would you be interested in living in a house carved entirely from wood? The bath would be wood, the pantry would be wood, the garden tap and the attached hose would be wood; in short everything would be carved from wood.
If you are interested, I will set about carving a suitable domicile from a rather large selection of logs that recently came into my possession. You will be first to try wood-style living! Of course, this will be free to you, all I require is that you pose for various wood-related publicity shots, and maybe attend the Ideal Home Show with me.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Lindsay,
Are you au fait with Werthers Originals? My friend George and I had a discussion, and we think that, if licked, you would taste like one.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Andi,
I just wanted to write to you to let you know that I have named a character in my forthcoming short story ‘The Goose of Bungledown Forest’ in your honour. Unfortunately he will be killed off before the sequel ‘Gnawing At The Root of the Poodle Tree’ for which I apologise.
If you would like your own copy of the story do let me know and I will ask George (a friend, and fellow AP fan) to start writing it for you. I trust blue biro will be OK.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Todd,
Do you have any good recipes for scones that do not require butter? I have made a pact with my friend and acquaintance, George, not to buy butter until World Peace is achieved, and while this is a ‘quite noble and touching gesture’ (a quote from our local Church newsletter) it is hampering my ability to bake.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Anneka,
Do you enjoy The West Wing? I have a montage of the DVD box-set covers that I made with a scanner and some sellotape. I can send you a photocopy if you wish? I am offering the chance to obtain my handiwork in order to drive interest in the artwork before auctioning the original to support free cycling lessons for local school children with asthma. The auction will take place around Easter and you will of course be welcome to attend (bring your own chair).
Do let me know if you would like a photocopy and I will pop one in the post (or hand deliver, if not too cold).
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Dear Dimitar,
Can you ride a horse?
Your,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear (sir) Chris,
Can you cycle faster than a Swordfish? I would like to pit your skills against the creature of the deep so do let me know if you wish to discuss this further.
I am unsure whether we will hold the race in a large tank (in which case scuba gear WILL NOT be provided) or on land, with the Swordfish being housed in a bath on the back of a lorry.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Jamie,
I am writing to as many tall people as I can think of to ask them to agree never to sit in front of me in the theatre. I feel this a more practical solution that bringing a pillow to sit on.
Will you agree to this? in return I can offer you a photocopy of my latest poem (entitled ‘The Convincing Loom‘) or a CD of incidental music from The Apprentice.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
Dear Whitney,
You strike me as the kind of woman who knows her war history. Would you therefore like a 25:1 scale (working) model of the Battle of Bannockburn that I recently made?
The model was built from match-sticks and crepe paper while I was recovering from a bout of gout (I realise that rhymes) but I don’t actually have any space in my house to keep it. I am offering you first refusal before I put the model on the open market.
Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow
Posted in Emails
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