Dear Hilary Clinton…

Dear Hilary,

My friend George and I have had something of a bust up. He believes that the exploits of Bananaman are hard to believe given the restrictions of Physics as scientists currently understand them, while I am concerned that he missed my birthday drinks to research this issue in detail (though he did later present with me a tub of mini Oreos to say sorry).

What we require is a mediator to resolve our situation. Would you be able to help? We would happy if you could do this in person, via email, over Skype or IM or by creating a series of videos.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Stephen Merchant…

Dear Stephen,

As a man taller than the sun, when do you think this benefits you most?

Is it:

a) When looking for the empty spot on the platform while waiting for the tube

b) When you want to see what is on top of the ticket machines at Paddington station

c) When you wish to scratch your head on the roof of the train

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Gail Trimble…

Dear Gail

You have caused something of a furore since appearing on University Challenge. However, in not one article about yourself have you been questioned on your hair care routine!!

My friend George (who keeps spreadsheets of such things) is intrigued to learn more and compare you to the other greats of the quizzing world CJ de Mooi, Fred Housego and any of the winners of Tim Vine’s Whittle. If you could provide further information that would be great. George will provide you with a handwritten copy of his mother’s sticky toffee pudding recipe in return.

Yours,

—

Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Jeremy Kyle…

Dear Jeremy,

Are you able to serve more than 10 tables at a time and pull a decent pint? If so, I may have an interesting proposition for you.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Abbey Clancy…

Dear Abbey,

My friend George recently bought your calendar as he was most impressed by the fonts used throughout. Did you pick them yourself, or do you have a ‘Master of Fonts’ who looks after this area of your life? George’s birthday is coming up soon, and it would be lovely if you could provide me with a list of your three favourite fonts, so that I might print his card using them.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Ulrika Johnsson…

Dear Ulrika,

I heard (from a man at Chester Zoo) that you have the largest collection of staples in Western Europe. This is quite marvellous! I myself have a collection of around 132 staples, though these are not categorised in any way, as I assume yours are? How do you categorise them? By size or material? I would be most interested in learning about any proprietary system you’ve invented to catalogue your staples.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Kiefer Sutherland…

Dear Kiefer,

I have a friend who’s name, by coincidence, is Keith R. Sutherland. Are you related?

Yours
—
Herbert Rumbelow

Dear John Barrowman…

Dear John,

On a recent visit to The Imperial War Museum I learned much about the best way to display armaments in a museum setting. I feel this is a subject that my peers are not well versed on and would like to do something about that.

You strike me as the ideal candidate to bring this information to the masses, and I would be grateful if you could reply with an unequivocal ‘yes yes yes!’ stating to your intent to present such a series without hesitation as and when it should be produced.

Yours,
—

Dear Professor Robert Winston…

Dear Dr Robert,

Do you remember 90’s sitcom ‘Hangin’ With Mr Cooper’?

Yours,

—

Herbert Rumbelow

Dear Frank Lampard…

Dear Frank,

My friend George and I have designed a game called ‘The Game of Frank’. The rough outline of the game is to play as a famous frank (yourself, Butcher, Bruno, Bough, Spencer) and try to invent a new form of sustainable energy. This is done by rolling the dice and picking up ‘inventor cards’. It is terribly good fun.

Would you like a game? We are free on Sundays for lessons, but must finish by 6pm for tea.

Yours,
—
Herbert Rumbelow